Chapter 1. Spare key, tutoring, my room, a nightmare.

I sat on Jack's broad shoulders, high in the air, clamping my hands around his forehead and swinging my legs freely, and looked down at the street and at the gardens surrounding all the houses. From John's house my friends looked through the windows and waved at me.

Jack looked up at me, and I grinned back at him, feeling happy. Today I was going to live with my Big Friend!

We passed four houses, and Jack entered the fifth driveway. He climbed the porch of what was OUR house from now on, and sat me down.

He started to rummage in his pockets, and slowly got a baffled expression on his face:

"I think I forgot to take the keys with me when we left the house... Now we are locked out. What shall we do now?"

I started to laugh at the sour face of my Big Friend:

"In mountains never have key. Door always open. Every body walk in and out."

"Unfortunately this isn't the mountains... Here we have to lock everything in, to lock out any burglars or other vermin."

I looked at the house to find maybe an open window, but everything was closed hermetically. I crawled under the porch to look for a hatch, but there wasn't any. I walked around the house, and saw an inviting backdoor... Alas, it was locked too. What now?

Jack kicked the backdoor forcefully a few times, trying to force it open, but it didn't give in. He tried out all the windows, but in vain...

Finally Jack and I went back to Trudy's house, hand in hand and both giggling like bashful schoolboys.

Trudy opened the front door, and looked at us with a questioning face...

Jack blushed, looked at the floor, and shuffled his feet:

"I forgot to take the keys with me when we left the house, and now we are locked out. What shall we do? We can't even use our own phone..."

Trudy started to laugh, now joined by the other children who slapped their knees and rolled along the hallway with laughter.

"I think you will have to call a locksmith, or maybe smash a window. Isn't there a small window at the back of the house?"

"I don't know... well, maybe that will be the cheapest solution after all..."

In procession we went to Jack's... oops, to OUR house, while the children continued to laugh and make fun of us.

We entered the driveway and rounded the house, where everybody gathered in the backyard, still laughing.

John lifted a big pebble from the ground, and grinned:

"Shall I?"

Jack nodded, and John threw the pebble against the smallest window. He made a lot of noise, but the window didn't comply. John looked surprised, took another pebble, and threw it with all his force. With a loud clang the glass shattered into pieces, while all the children cheered.

John grinned, looked around, and made a deep bow:

"It's fun to smash a window without being punished afterwards."

Jack removed the remainder of the glass painstakingly from the window frame, and beckoned me:
"What do you think, Harry, can you enter the house and open the front door?"

Of course he could count on me! He lifted me into the window opening, and I jumped to the floor on the other side. I crossed the kitchen and went to the front door to open it, while the others cheered and rushed around the house.

They slapped my shoulders as if I was their hero, and Jack offered everybody a glass of lemonade.

After a few minutes the children went home to resume their chores.

Jack and I went outside carrying a cardboard box, to gather the broken glass from the backyard ground.

Jack took a piece of glass, nearly cut himself, and warned me with a shocked face:

"Be careful not to cut yourself! Some pieces of glass will be razor sharp."

I grinned, nodded, and let him do the dangerous pieces.

Together we gathered all the pieces, even the smallest, walking around in circles to look for more. Now and then we found another piece, hidden in the dirt and suddenly flaring up in the sunlight.

Finally we couldn't find any more splinters, and carefully emptied the box into a container.

We went inside, washed our hands, and went to the living room where Jack took the telephone book to look for a glazier. Fortunately one of them could help us the same day. Two hours later he had replaced the window, grinning at our exaggerated story.

Jack frowned, went to the kitchen, and rummaged in a drawer, from where he triumphantly returned with a spare backdoor key:

"What do you think, Harry, shall we put a spare key outside the house from now on?"

"That good idea! If you stupid, no problem. If you not home, I can enter."

Jack laughed, lifted me off the floor, and tickled me until I begged for mercy.

"Who's the stupid one here?"

"I know, but I not tell..."

He tickled me again until I resigned and offered him my mock excuses.

Together we looked for a hammer and a nail. Finally we found them in a toolbox in the hallway closet, and went outside to look for the best place.

I crawled into a dense bush next to the backdoor, and pointed to a small space:

"That good place! Nobody see, only you and I know."

Jack laughed, ruffled my hair, and offered me the hammer and the nail. I cursed and we laughed, had to go back to the hallway closet to get another nail from the toolbox, threw away the crooked nail, and this time Jack hammered the new nail into the small space.

I went back to the kitchen to get our spare key, and proudly hung it on its place where it would be from now on.

We cheered, high-fived, and went to the living room to relax a bit after all the work we had done.

I felt John's energy around, planning to pay us a visit, and jumped up:

"There John!"

Ten seconds later the doorbell rang, and I rushed to the front door to let John in. We were happy to see each other, danced around, and threw our arms around each other's shoulders.

Together we entered the living room, where Jack waited for us on the couch looking stunned:
"How did you know that John was at the front door?"

I shrugged my shoulders. To me this was nothing special, and my parents were used to it since I started to blow bubbles of saliva.

My parents... suddenly a wave of sadness overtook me, and I started to sob.

Jack looked a bit surprised, and tenderly took me onto his lap:

"Sorry, my little friend, I shouldn't have asked that?"

I sniffled, and shook my head:

"Is not you. But... I think 'Mom and Dad', and now I sad."

I cried a bit, until my sadness diminished and I blew my nose in the tissues John had gathered from the kitchen. John dried my eyes with another tissue, while Jack held me a little longer.

"I sad because Mom and Dad, but I happy because new Big Friend and nice brother!"

Jack and John had some small talk; and I listened to their conversation, trying to understand why they used so many words to tell the simplest things. In our own language we used only the relevant words, and nothing else...

"Why many words? In our languisj only few words. Other words not... needful?"

Jack looked at me with a questioning face:

"What do you mean?"

"That example. You tell 'what do you mean', I tell 'what mean'. Why more words?"

"That's how our language works. It sounds funny the way you are talking."

"I not want talking funny. Please you teach me proper languisj?"

Jack laughed, and repeated the sentence:

"I do not want to talk funny. Please will you teach me the proper language?"

I shook my head in frustration. I could understand what he told me, but wasn't used to all those useless extra words...

"I want you teach me speak good. Please tell every time I do error..."

"That could be very annoying! You are sure you want me to correct you every time you're making an error?"

"Yes, I sure!"

"Yes, I am sure."

"What 'am'?"

"What is 'am'... Those little words 'am' and 'is' are put in between other words, to explain you are DOING something."

"Oh... but I DO sure... why put 'am'?"

"That's how our language works... you will understand soon. Just keep trying to get the feeling of it."

"Our language different! Say 'I sure' tells what I mean. Why say more words?"

Jack started to laugh again:
"You are a very intelligent boy, do you know that? I think you will learn how to speak our language properly very soon."

John had listened silently to our conversation, but now he grinned:
"I don't have a degree in tutoring, but from now on I will try to help you too."

"Yes, please, that nice. Oh no, that be nice?... err... That IS nice."

Jack and John both applauded, and I felt stimulated to do my utmost best from now on. I HAD to speak their language fluently!

They both started to bomb me with difficult words, and soon I got the knack of it, at least a little bit. Now and then we had a good laugh at my funny words and colorful constructions, but slowly I started to understand the basics of that difficult foreign language.

We ordered pizzas, and John helped us devouring them. All the time I trained myself in pronunciation and proper use of the different verbs, until Jack and John both wanted to have a little rest and begged me to speak improper for the rest of the evening.

"Both of you lazy slackers! You promised me to tutor, and now you giving up?"

"Now you ARE giving up. But please, give us a break until tomorrow."

"Huh?... You want me to break you?"

"Give me a break means... John, please get me a gag to put into his mouth!"

They both straddled me, and tickled me everywhere until I nearly peed my pants. I loved it, but they didn't have to know...

John had to go home, and promised to come back the next morning:

"Shall I ask my mother to have a sleepover here tomorrow night?"

"That would be nice. You agree, Jack?"

"DO you agree... and yes, I do agree."

"Harry, will you walk me home?"

We put on our shoes, and John hugged Jack:

"Thank you for everything! See you tomorrow morning."

Jack hugged John back, and again I thought about how much they resembled each other. They could easily be father and son.

We went to John's house, all the way skipping and bumping into each other. It felt good to be friends with my nice brother, who had already become very special to me. Now and then we seemed to understand each other without words.

Trudy was glad to see me, and offered me an apple to munch:

"Hi, my new son! How is your new room in Jack's house?"

"I not looked. Maybe tonight, when I go bed... sorry, when I go TO bed."

Mark wanted to have an apple too; and Marrie hugged me with all her force, smiling from ear to ear.

Sitting in a chair there was a tall man I hadn't met before. He wanted to be called 'Eric', and he turned out to be John's father. They didn't resemble each other at all, and I didn't like the man at first sight. I could feel that was mutual...

Everybody except Eric hugged me, and I went back home, running all the way. Tomorrow I would see my friend John again, but for now I loved to be together with my Big Friend Jack and enjoy each other's company.

I rang the bell, and heard Jack sprint to the front door to open it. Jack smiled when he saw me, and I could feel he was happy to see me back. It felt good to have a HOME, where I was welcome all the time.

Jack lifted me high into the air and took me to the living room, where we sat down on the leather couch. We had some small talk, again training my speaking in the foreign language, until I started to yawn.

Jack laughed, and ruffled my hair for the hundredth time:

"I think you had quite a day. Do you want to see your new room now?"

"Yes, I want see new room, but I want shower too, and you do put me to bed!"

Jack smiled, lifted me onto his shoulders, and together we went upstairs.

The last time I was upstairs in Jack's house, gathering second-hand clothes, I had seen the hallway closet. Now we entered a huge bathroom, accommodating a big shower stall, a washing machine, and a drawer cabinet. This looked far better than the small shower I was used to in our caravan! Only our waterfall in the mountains could compete with it.

I was curious, and walked around to have a look at everything. I opened the drawers, and saw lots of towels, spare soap, hair shampoo, shaving things, underwear, and other clothes, all thrown together. Jack surely wasn't as neat as my parents used to be! Well, maybe I could train him...

The hamper was halfway filled with filthy clothes, and smelled a bit. Fortunately Jack had a washing machine and a dryer, and I decided to remind him to use them in case he would forget to wash his clothes again... He seemed to need a little helping hand.

Finally I had seen everything, turned to Jack, and put my arms into the air. Jack understood me without words, smiled, and peeled my beautiful polo shirt off; as he had done before in the hospital. He unbuckled my belt, and stripped my blue jeans down and off. He shucked my socks and tickled my feet, making me squirm. He pulled my snoopy underpants down and off, and now I was ready for the shower.

Suddenly I had to pee, and rushed downstairs to relieve myself. I didn't dare do that in Jack's shower!

I returned upstairs, where a grinning Jack patiently waited for me. I stepped into the shower enclosure and turned on the taps, careful not to be under the cold water stream. I adjusted the taps until the water had a nice temperature, and waited for Jack...

Jack took the soap and started to lather me up, still fully dressed... and leaving me stunned. Why didn't he join me in the shower? That would be much easier for both of us!

"You undress and step in shower, wash other, is easier!"

Jack looked at me, hesitantly, as if he couldn't decide what to do:
"Well... I don't think that's a good idea. You are a small boy, and I am a grown-up..."

"Yes, I know... what problem? Come on, undress and step in!"

"Are you sure? You really want me to undress, and join you in the shower?"

"Of course, silly! Shower good place for you wash me and I wash you."

Jack looked at me, hesitated, and slowly colored a deep red as if he was ashamed of something.

What was the problem? Why did Jack hesitate? Was it my fault? Had I done something wrong?

"What is problem? I wrong something? Sorry, I DO wrong something?"

Jack shook his head, and looked at me with guilt in his eyes:

"No, you didn't do anything wrong. It's just that... well, in our country other people don't exactly approve of grown-ups showering together with little children they are not related to. They could put me in jail for 'improper behavior' for a long time."

"That crazy! Dad tell me same shit with naked when in car. I naked in gadjo world, Dad go prison! I think gadjo people are... funny?"

"Okay, let's use the word 'funny' to describe them. However they are making the rules, and we have to follow them, or else... Okay, I will join you this time, but only if you promise me to never tell it to anybody, not even to your best friends."

"I promise, but John VERY best friend! I trust John."

"You are right, and I trust John too! He's a wonderful boy, with a lot of love in his heart."

"I... I... what word? Oh yeah, I 'agree'. I love John. He... look like you, could be son!"

Jack colored a deep red again, and quickly turned around. He undressed and threw his clothes into the halfway filled hamper.

He smiled at me bashfully, and slowly entered the shower enclosure, still hesitating. Maybe he was afraid of water, and I had to help him?

I pulled him next to me and threw my arms around his waist, trying to share the water stream and help him overcome his fears.

Now Jack put his arms around my body, and that felt good, as if I was with my Dad or with Michail. I closed my eyes and savored the nice feeling, while Jack roamed my back with his big hands, trying to trace the scars and the wild flesh. I got goose bumps all over my body, and softly moaned with pleasure. This was what my Dad used to do all the time, and the scars even intensified the nice feelings.

After a while Jack stopped roaming my back, and took the soap and lathered me up in silence. He washed me everywhere, even in my butt crack, but didn't touch my little pecker. That was strange, as I always peed with it and thus it should need some extra cleaning. Why did he wash my pecker in the hospital, but not now, here in his own shower?

Jack put the soap away and shampooed my hair. He rinsed me off carefully, still looking as if he was afraid of something...

Now it was my turn to wash Jack, as I always did with my Dad or with Michail. I took the soap, and started to lather up his stomach.

Jack looked shocked, again colored a deep red, and tried to push me away:

"No, you don't have to do that!"

"But... why? In mountains always wash other. Dad wash me and I wash Dad. Michail wash me and I wash Michail..."

"Well, here we are not in your mountains. Here we have to behave according to our rules. I don't want to end up in a prison..."

"Nobody see. Nobody know. Only you and me. I Gypsy, and not stupid gadjo! I tell no body. Now turn back to me, and sit."

Jack looked surprised, shook his head in frustration, turned around, and sat down obediently. Good boy!

I grinned, and washed his back all over. I walked around, stepped in between his knees, and washed his face and his chest. I took his arms one by one, and washed them. I took the shampoo, and shampooed his hair. I rinsed his hair, while he tried to protect his eyes.

"Now stand, and turn back to me."

Jack rose obediently, and turned around. I washed his bum all over, even in his butt crack as my Dad had taught me to do. That was the most important place to clean up, where your poop came from! I washed the backsides of his legs, and walked around. I washed his stomach again, and now I took his big pecker in my hand to wash it.

Jack shuddered:

"You don't need to wash that. Just give me the soap..."

"Don't be child. In mountains always wash every thing. Now be silent."

Jack flinched, but I went on mercilessly until I had perfectly cleaned up everything.

I kneeled down and washed his legs. I washed his feet one by one, and now the still shivering Jack was clean from top to toe.

"See? Is normal to wash other! Next time wash my penis too."

Jack grunted something unintelligibly, and softly kissed my head.

We cuddled for a long time, until finally Jack lifted me into the air and left the shower. He put me down and dried me everywhere, even my little pecker as he was used to doing in the hospital. Now I took the towel, and this time Jack let me dry him all over without any protest. He surely had learned something, and I grinned at the thought of him having his first training today...

Next time I would teach him that there isn't any difference between one wet part of your body or another wet part of it. Those strange and stupid gadjo beliefs had to be rooted out as soon as possible!

Jack went to the cabinet, rummaged in the drawers, and returned showing a way too big T-shirt:

"I don't have any nightclothes for you, but maybe you could wear this tonight?"

"I never wear night suit. Always sleep in birthday suit. All children in mountains do. Only police officers not believe."

He shook his head, looking unsure, and I thought maybe he wasn't used to having young children around:

"You not know how put children to bed? I help you!"

Suddenly Jack started to laugh, and lifted me high into the air:

"You are one very special boy! Come on; let's have a look at your new room."

Together we went to the second door to the left, and Jack beckoned me to open it. I opened the door, expecting to find an empty room or maybe some garbage. To my surprise the room held a real bed with blankets in several colors, a closet with a couple of drawers, a nice wooden desk, a small table, and two chairs. I immediately liked the room that felt cozy and welcoming.

"This ought to be the spare room, but I hoped you would come to live here so I've bought a few things in advance. Do you like the room?"

Did I like the room? I LOVED it! It was so much better than the small den I was used to in our caravan...

"Yes, I like room! Sorry, I like THE room! Room says 'welcome' to me."

"From now on this is your own room, and all the things in it are yours. Tomorrow we will go to the town to buy you a couple of nice clothes and several other things you will need. Now I will put you to bed, and you are going to sleep soundly."

"What 'soundly'? Oh... sorry, what IS soundly?"

"'Soundly' means that you will have a healthy and refreshing sleep."

I jumped under the blankets, and Jack kissed my forehead. I took his head in my hands, and kissed him full on the lips:

"You my second Dad now! Sorry, you ARE my second Dad now. And I DO love you."

Jack choked up, and looked at me for a long time with tears in his eyes. I closed my eyes and slowly drifted off.

I woke up in total darkness, and had no idea where I was. Everything felt dark and spooky, and I saw moving shadows everywhere, that retreated the moment they saw me looking at them. I didn't feel at ease at all, and tried to hide below my blankets...

Were those shadows looking for me? What did they want? Maybe they wanted to feel me up, or grope my pecker and balls, or abuse me?

My heart pounded in my chest and I started to hyperventilate. What were they up to? Would they pay me for it? I tried to scream, but my throat screwed up and nobody heard me. I felt frightened, and had no idea what to do.

One of the shadows approached me, and looked at me with mean and reddish glowing eyes:

"We don't like Gypsies, and we are going to burn everybody to death!"

I panicked and tried to run away, but I was tied to a stake and couldn't move my body. Were they going to burn me?

The shadow grinned, poured some liquid onto the stake, and lit a match...

Suddenly the room was on fire. Blazing flames showed up everywhere, grinning and licking at my body, trying to burn me to death.

I screamed at the top of my lungs, desperately fighting the flames that were everywhere around me. I could feel their arms, trying to pull me out of the bed, and I punched and kicked them with all my force, using my fists and my feet to try to free myself.

Finally the arms captured me, and I could hear their voice, a panicking voice that desperately tried to calm me down:

"Harry, wake up! You are safe. Nothing is happening. Calm down, open your eyes, and look at me..."

At first I didn't trust the arms and tried to punch and kick them again, but then I recognized the voice and opened my eyes. I squinted at the worried face of Jack, desperately trying to wake me up and soothe me. I had a nightmare!

I started to cry and buried my face into Jack's safe stomach, clamping myself onto his legs. Jack put his arms around me and held me tenderly for a long time, until at last the terrible feeling of horror disappeared and my shivering diminished. Everything was okay, I was safe, and Jack would protect me with his own life if necessary. I could trust my savior.

Jack lifted me onto his lap, and tried to dry my eyes using the backs of his hands:

"Feeling a bit better now, my little friend? Did you have a nightmare?"

"What 'nightmare'? Sorry, what IS nightmare?"

"A nightmare is a bad dream. Did you have a bad dream?"

"Yes, shadow put room on fire, burning us Gypsies to death..."

"Is the bad shadow gone now? You can go back to sleep, and everything is safe again. Just close your eyes..."
"I want sleep with you! You protect me with life. I feel safe with you. You second Dad."

Jack shook his head in frustration, and looked at me with doubt in his eyes:

"I don't think that's a good idea. What would society think of us? Besides that, I'm naked because I forgot to put on nightclothes when I went to bed. I am used to sleeping naked every night, so I will have to put on something decently first..."

"Society crazy! Children NEED grown-up for feel safe, can't do without! I need you... and I think you need me too... please?"

Jack hesitated, but then he took me into his arms and carried me to his own bedroom:

"Okay, you can sleep in my bed tonight, but please never tell that to anybody! I don't want to go to jail because of your nightmare."

"I promise, but want tell John. John best friend, I trust John. John never tell others."

Jack laid me down between the blankets in his big double bed, and tried to reach a drawer closet to get some clothes to put on in bed, but I didn't let him go, and clamped my arms around his waist to prevent him from leaving me...

After some struggling, Jack grinned and gave up. He shifted under the blankets next to me, and I wormed myself into his safe arms. With a deep sigh I let myself melt into his powerful aura. Now I was where I belonged, and with a contented sigh, I drifted off into a deep and sound sleep.

17. Behaving normal, private things, humiliated.

The abundantly shining morning sun peeked through a crack in the curtains and woke me up. At first I didn't recognize my surroundings, until I felt Jack's safe arms around my body and remembered everything. I was HOME!

I got tears in my eyes from the happy feeling of finally being there where I belonged. Here was my place, in Jack's house, safely in Jack's arms.

I tilted my head, and looked around. This was Jack's bedroom, holding a big double bed, two wooden nightstands, a huge drawer closet, a small table, and two easy chairs. Of course I was happy to have my own bedroom, but I would sleep HERE from now on, in OUR bedroom.

I could hear a couple of birds loudly cheering with joy in a tree outside, as if they complimented me with my new home. Even the birds seemed to know that a little orphan boy had finally found his own place and his own Big Friend...

I turned around a little bit, and looked at Jack who snored softly with a contented smile on his face as if he was happy too.

I wormed myself out of Jack's arms, carefully so as not to wake him up. I crawled onto his stomach, as I used to do with my Dad all the time. Jack grunted a bit, and I laughed at the comical sight of trembling eyelids and frowning brows. I loved that face, and with real love!

I couldn't control myself, and tenderly kissed his lips. Again I laughed at the funny sight, because he stirred and started to lick them. I kissed him again, and now he started to mumble and mutter. He opened his eyes, squinted, and stared into mine with a surprised look.

A beautiful smile lighted his face, and he threw his arms around me:

"Hi, my little friend. That is a nice way of waking up! Did you sleep well in my bed?"

"Yes, I love sleep in you bed. From now on I sleep in you bed always!"

"It's 'in yourrr bed'. And I'm not sure... what do you have your own bed for?"

"To sleep when you not home. When you home, I sleep with you!"

I let myself melt into my Big Friend, sticking my nose in his left armpit. I loved the strong manly odor of it; it made me feel even safer. My Dad always teased me when I did that, telling me I loved 'stinky old men'. I didn't think it was stinking; it just smelled a bit strong, and I liked it.

We cuddled for a long time, both savoring our precious love and trust, and both being unwilling to leave our cozy bed...

Suddenly I felt John, nearing our house and obviously planning to visit us; and I jumped up:

"There John!"

I left our bed without thinking, and rushed downstairs to meet my very best friend. Within ten seconds I opened the front door and saw John reaching for the doorbell, looking surprised at the door that magically opened itself...

I grinned, and beckoned John to come in:

"Hi, come in! I expect you. Jack upstairs and waiting."

John looked at my eager face and started to laugh. He opened his arms and stepped forward to embrace me, but suddenly froze with a shocked expression in his eyes. His mouth opened, and closed again. He shuddered, looked me over from top to toe, and slowly shook his head as if he couldn't believe what he saw. He entered the house silently while his eyes started to tear up, and I closed the door.

I threw my arms around my best friend; and now he woke up a bit, shuddering and trembling:

"My little brother, what did they do to you... You are burnt horribly all over your body! I don't know what to say..."

Now I understood why he was so shocked. He had seen only my face, and this was the first time he saw the rest of my burnt body...

"I used to body now. Come, let go up stairs. Jack in sleeping room, waiting..."

I climbed the stairs, slowly followed by John who looked at my scarred back, stained legs, and colored little bum with horror in his eyes.

Jack's bedroom door was still open, and I entered it and went to Jack to resume our cuddle, hoping that John would join us.

Jack sat upright on our bed, and smiled when he saw me. He opened his arms, and I jumped into them. Suddenly his eyes grew big, he colored a deep red, and he tried to hide his nakedness with both hands... What was the problem?

I looked at John who had entered the room, and to my surprise I saw John coloring that same deep red, bashfully looking at his feet...

Now I was at a loss. What was happening here? Had I done something stupid? But what?

"What problem? Sorry, what IS problem? Why you color in face?"

John looked at me as if he couldn't understand why I asked him such a stupid question:

"But... Jack is NAKED... Both of you are... Sorry, and I think I better wait downstairs..."

"I not understand. You never saw bedroom, or body Dad, or little brother or sister? Please explain..."

John shook his head in frustration, looked at Jack for help, but blushed again and quickly averted his eyes to the floor:

"I don't know how to explain... It's that I'm not used to seeing naked people other than my own little brother."

"That stupid. We all look same, have same bodies, same poop and same pee. Why problem?"

John sighed helplessly and shrugged his shoulders, still looking bashful.

Jack cleared his throat, and looked at me thoughtfully:

"You mean that in your mountains nobody is wearing any clothes, even the grown-ups?"

"Clothes for cold, not for shame or hide. Only gadjo's hide and shame, and put Dad in prison for 'indecent behavior'. In winter every body clothes, in summer every body naked. Wash each other also normal."

Jack seemed to understand something, and slowly removed his hands from his groin:

"Now I see why you wanted to share the shower."

Jack thought this over for a moment, and slowly left our bed without covering himself:

"Maybe this sounds stupid, but I think you are right. We ARE all looking the same, except for different sizes and maybe more or less hairs. What do you think, John? Am I going to hide myself again, or shall we try to behave more natural from now on; like Harry does?"

John looked at Jack's organ, and again colored reddish. However this time he didn't avert his eyes, but nodded slowly...

"I think Harry is right. Every man and boy does have the same things, so why should it be a problem to show those parts of your body? From now on I want to behave normal too. There's nothing to be ashamed of... but I think my Dad will not approve! I will have to keep it a secret."

"Maybe it's wise to never tell anybody else anything private. That way nobody will get into trouble. For example, the authorities could put me into jail for a long time, for exposing myself or displaying improper behavior towards minors..."

"I will NEVER tell any private things to anybody else! You can trust me."

"I know, John, and you can trust us too! I think you are a wonderful boy, and Harry and I both like you very much."

John sniffled, went to Jack, and hesitantly put his arms around Jack's naked body:
"I like you very much too, and I wish YOU could be my Dad..."

Of course I jumped in and joined the cuddle. We held each other for a long time, enjoying each other's warmth with six arms around each other's bodies, until our stomachs told us that we were hungry and had to be fed.

Jack looked a bit pale, and showed reddish eyes as if he had cried. He dried them, using a tissue from a nightstand, and smiled bashfully.

To my surprise John had reddish eyes too, and took another tissue from the nightstand to wipe them. They really resembled each other!

John smiled bashfully, showing those same funny dimples Jack showed in his face:
"Shall I try to prepare us some breakfast in the kitchen, while both of you are showering and dressing?"

"That's a good idea, thank you! We will be downstairs within a few minutes."

John went downstairs to try to prepare us breakfast, and Jack and I went to the shower.

I went in first and turned on the taps, while Jack smiled approvingly and waited until the water reached a decent temperature. This time I didn't wait, and immediately started to wash Jack. Jack seemed to have learned his lesson, and let me do everything without any protest. Good boy!

Suddenly I saw a few nasty bruises on Jack's leg, and pointed to them:

"That is mean bruises! Was not yesterday. How come?"

Jack threw his arms around my waist, and tenderly cuddled me:

"Tonight I heard you moaning and thrashing around in your bed, obviously having a nightmare or a bad dream. I tried to take you into my arms, but you started to fight me and kick me, screaming and yelling. Finally you calmed down and woke up..."

Now I understood. In my nightmare I had done the same things to Jack I once did to my parents...

"Sorry for bruises. Next time not help me, but kick me out bed!"

Jack laughed; and washed me all over, this time cleaning everything without any hesitation. We left the shower, and dried each other. Jack went to his own bedroom; and I went to my own bedroom, to dress into my beautiful polo shirt and blue jeans, being the only clothes I possessed.

We met each other outside our rooms, and rushed down the stairs together, grinning and bumping into each other like small children. That felt good, as if we were equals and absolutely trusted each other. Laughing and tickling each other we entered the kitchen.

John had prepared a couple of boiled eggs, tomatoes, and toast, and smiled proudly while Jack thanked him abundantly.

Jack went to the refrigerator, poured us a glass of milk, and brewed himself a cup of coffee. We sat down at the kitchen table, and buttered the toast.

I missed my special taste, and went to the refrigerator to have a look in it. Unfortunately Jack didn't have any herbs...

"You not have herbs, or other things to make eggs tasty?"

"Maybe there's something in the cupboards you could use?"

I clambered onto the sideboard and opened the cupboards one by one, but couldn't find any herbs or other tasty things:

"You go shop, and buy herbs today? I help you."

"I had already planned to go shopping after breakfast. We need to buy a lot of things today, for example new clothes for our new resident."

"What 'resident'? Sorry, what is a 'new resident'?"

"The new resident, that's you. A resident is somebody who is going to live here for a very long time."

"I like being new resident!"

After breakfast John and I cleaned the cutlery and put it away, while Jack made a provisional list of all the things we needed to buy today.

We needed a wagonload of new clothes for the new resident, more soap and shampoo, toothpaste and brushes, washing powder to be able to clean out the halfway filled hamper, more towels, enough foods to fill hungry growing-boy mouths for a couple of weeks, and herbs and spices.

John went home to tell his mother he wanted to join us to the town. Soon he returned with beaming eyes, telling us his mother allowed him to accompany us for as long as we could bear his presence... making both of us chuckle.

"I'm sure your mother doesn't want to miss you THAT long."

John beamed even more and zipped open a smile from ear to ear, maybe even further.

We put on our shoes, Jack took his purse from the table, and we went to the car. Oops... we went to OUR car. I followed Jack, and John closed the front door. We waited patiently until Jack had opened the car doors...

Jack hesitated, looked ashamed, colored a deep red, and stuttered:

"Again I'm forgetting to take the keys with me. I think they are in my dirty clothes, upstairs, in the hamper..."

John and I both started to laugh, and I went to the backdoor to get the hidden spare key:

"I told you! If you stupid, no problem."

Jack tried to catch me, but I was too fast and escaped, helped by John who tried to tackle Jack. Now Jack went after John...

I got the key, entered the backdoor, went upstairs, and fished the keys out of Jack's dirty trousers. I returned, carefully re-locked the backdoor, and put the spare key back onto its nail in the bushes.

Again we went to our car, and this time I opened the doors one by one. John and I both took the backseat, and Jack started the engine. We drove off, and now we were on our way to the mall and to all those other interesting gadjo shops in a big town.

I was enthusiastic, and remembered several other gadjo supermarkets, shops, and big stores where we had been during our vacation trip. Again I would see a lot more of the gadjo world I was living in now, and which was slowly becoming my world too...

We passed the small clearing where our caravan was burnt down, and I craned my neck to try to detect some residues. I thought that maybe part of the clearing looked a little bit darker, but wasn't sure. Obviously they had cleaned up everything very thoroughly.

John saw me looking, and threw his arms around my waist:

"The police took your car and caravan to another place, where they thoroughly inspected everything. They went from house to house, asking everybody for information or for unusual things we might have seen. Thomas and I told them everything we knew, and they asked us whether we maybe had seen some papers laying around in your caravan, or other identifying objects, because they couldn't find any. Unfortunately we couldn't help them, and they told us you were in a hospital and would likely die within a few days. Fortunately they were wrong!"

John got tears in his eyes, and bashfully wiped them away. He held me for a long time, until Jack slowed down the car and left the highway.

We entered the big town, where Jack seemed to know the way. He drove through a couple of crowded streets, until we reached a big parking lot. Jack parked our car, we went out, and Jack closed the doors carefully. Again such a stupid gadjo thing... in our own secluded world nobody was ever afraid of burglars or other vermin. We all trusted each other, and most caravans didn't even have a key! I looked around...

A few people stopped dead in their tracks, and looked at us open-mouthed. What was the problem? Did we suddenly grow into green aliens having wired antennas on our heads? I looked at Jack and John, but didn't see anything special. What were those people looking at?

I wormed my hand into Jack's big hand, John took my other hand, and together we crossed the street, stared at by several other people. I had no idea what they were looking at, put my nose high into the air, and tried to ignore those gawking and pointing stupid gadjo's. Maybe they never saw a blue-eyed and blond-haired little Gypsy boy? So what, we were not in a zoo here. Did they pay for it at the entrance?

We headed for a big shop, and I tried to spell its difficult gadjo name: 'Boys Boutique'...

'Boys', that was clear; but what was 'boutique'? I looked in the windows, and several beautifully attired boy dummies stared back at me. Now I grinned inwardly, understanding that 'boutique' had to be another gadjo name for 'clothes shop'. We were going to buy a wagonload of new clothes for the new resident...

Jack entered the boutique first, closely followed by John and me. I looked around, but saw no differences between this boutique shop and a normal shop where my parents once bought me new clothes. Maybe the only difference was in the prices they asked?

Jack went to a smiling saleslady, and politely asked her for a couple of nice clothes in my size, shoving me in front of himself.

The lady looked at me, turned chalk white, shrieked, and nearly fainted. She sat down wide open eyed, and started to tremble all over.

The next ten minutes turned out to be the most humiliating minutes of my life. Everybody stared at me, one of the other saleswomen fainted too, John attacked two customers who called me a 'freak' and an 'alien', Jack went completely berserk and yelled at all the people who stared at me, and I tried to disappear into nowhere and started to cry from all the shame and desperation...

Finally I ran out of the shop as fast as my small legs could move, and crossed the street towards our car without looking where I went, bumping into a few passing cars that hooted loudly. Luckily they didn't run me over; I think because my guardian angel was protecting me with all his force!

I leaned against our car, put my face in my hands, and cried my heart out. Why was everybody so mean? I didn't do ANYTHING wrong...

I understood by now that they were looking at my devastated face, but why didn't they see ME? I was a normal and healthy young boy; and only my outside was distorted, but NOT my brain or my inside! Why didn't they see that?

Jack and John had followed me in a hurry, and now they protectively draped their arms around my shoulders and waist:

"I can understand why you ran away, but you nearly gave us a heart attack. Please don't do that ever again!"

I left the car, melted into their arms, and tried to stop the crying. I was safe now, and nobody would call me a 'freak' or 'alien' any more...

Jack took a handkerchief out of his pocket, and I blew my nose in it. Without thinking Jack put the handkerchief back, and I started to grin. Again he had his pocket full of snot!

Two adolescent boys passed by, stopped, and looked at me sneering:

"Look at that creep! Did you ever see such a freaky alien? His mother should have drowned him..."

John howled, jumped up, and attacked them, punching and kicking them with all his force. Both boys looked surprised, and before they knew what happened one of them had a bloody nose while the other had his balls kicked and started to scream.

Jack hastily opened the car doors, and we jumped in as fast as we could. Jack started the engine and drove off, nearly bumping into a few other cars, leaving both angry and now hatefully scolding boys behind. One of them kicked our car, before we were out of their reach and safe. That was a narrow escape, and now all three of us were panting and trembling all over.

Jack crossed a few streets, parked the car in another parking lot, and shut the engine down. John and I looked around carefully, but fortunately we didn't see those nasty boys following us. I hoped they went home to nurture their bruised noses and balls...

Jack turned around, and looked at me with tears in his eyes:

"Sorry, my precious friend. I didn't know that other people could be THAT mean and hateful..."

"No need for sorry, was not you fault. You did best. John did best too."

"I shouldn't have exposed you to such a humiliating experience. I didn't realize that they would react so badly. Now I'm ashamed to be a human being myself... but you NEED to have some clothes. How shall we do that? Shall I leave you and John in the car, and go shopping on my own?"

I didn't want to expose myself again to those mean people:

"That good. I wait in car. You bring herbs too?"

Jack ruffled our hair, left the car, and went shopping; leaving John and me in our car.

Thirty seconds later Jack was back, and snatched his purse from the front seat without saying a word. John and I both started to grin... Jack WAS a little bit untidy now and then! He hurried back, and disappeared around the corner.

Ten minutes later John helped Jack putting a couple of filled plastic bags into the trunk:

"Did you get everything you needed?"

"I hope those clothes do have the correct sizes, else we have to bring them back. Now we will have to buy some food."

Jack drove off, and parked the car in front of a big supermarket. He entered the market through the sliding doors, and returned carrying a heavy cardboard box filled with all sorts of groceries. He put it in the trunk next to the plastic bags.

Again we drove off, and this time Jack parked the car alongside a shoe store. He entered the store, and soon returned carrying a tape measure. He measured my feet, and went back to the shop taking one of my white sneakers inside to be sure. After a while he returned carrying three shoeboxes and my sneaker, and we drove off again. This time we went home...

All the time I had kept a safe distance from the car panes, being afraid that people outside would see me and call me a freak again...

I felt vulnerable and humiliated, and decided to hide my freaky alien face and my scarred creepy body from everybody for the rest of my life. From now on I would stay home all day, and nobody else would ever have another chance to see me! I was NOT a sightseeing spectacle!

Jack parked the car in our driveway, and I waited until he opened my door. I left our car using both hands to hide my face, being afraid that other people outside would see my distorted lips and half-nose and again call me a freak or an alien...

I waited until John had opened the front door, and sneaked inside the house. Here I was reasonably safe...

John helped Jack carry everything inside, and I helped Jack in the kitchen putting the groceries away. Suddenly I cheered: Jack had bought me a whole bunch of nicely smelling herbs! Tonight I would cook for him and John, and try to prepare one of my best meals ever. I saw a lot of herbs I hadn't seen before, and carefully smelled and tasted them. Hmm... not bad! I put them into the refrigerator to preserve them.

Finally everything was inside our house and put away, and we went to the living room where we sat down on the couch. I leaned into Jack, and slowly felt a little bit better. My friends would protect me...

Jack looked at John, frowned, went to the kitchen, and returned carrying a wet cloth filled with ice cubes. He handed it to John...

Suddenly I saw that John had a bruised cheek and a black eye. Goodness, I hadn’t seen that before. My dear friend had been fighting two big boys all on his own, and that because of ME!

John saw me looking at his bruise, and smiled bashfully:

"It's nothing to be worried about. I will live..."

"You did for ME? I love you!"

I crawled onto his lap, took the icy cloth, and tenderly put it onto his bruised cheek. John had promised to defend me with his life, and he DID...

The doorbell rang, and Jack went to the front door. For a moment I panicked: would Margaret from see pee es take me away again and bring me back to the madhouse? I shuddered, and clamped myself onto John...

I heard children's voices, and a moment later Thomas, Marrie, Mark, and Chrissy crowded around the couch:

"Where were you all morning? We wanted to ask you to join us outside, but nobody was home..."

John freed himself a bit from my clamping arms, and nodded:

"We went shopping in a big town, because Harry didn't have any clothes except the ones he is wearing now. But everybody stared at him, two saleswomen fainted, a couple of grown-ups complained about landing freaky aliens, and in the parking lot two boys called him nasty names. I attacked the boys, and then we had to flee before they demolished our car any further. In another street Harry and I waited in our car, while Jack shopped alone and bought everything we needed. Now we are home again, and Harry is pampering my bruise and black eye."

All the children started to talk and ask us questions, and John and I tried to answer them one by one; while Jack went to the kitchen and returned carrying a tray of glasses, lemonade, and coffee. We got a big glass of lemonade, and Jack sipped his coffee.

My friends wanted to take me outside, but I refused. I told them I wanted to try out my new clothes, and they could go without me. John wanted to accompany them, and promised us to be back before dinner. They thanked Jack for the lemonade and went outside.

I really wanted to join them and play hide and seek, but I didn't dare... I was too afraid of what other people would think of me. What if that big boy, Jason, turned up again and did what he promised? What if another boy or a grown-up who hadn't seen me before started to call me a 'freaky alien' again? I shuddered at the thought...

Jack looked at me, and I averted my eyes. Why did I have the feeling that he looked straight into my soul?

Jack shook his head, and tenderly took me into his arms:

"My dear and precious little friend, don't do this to yourself. I understand why you don't want to join the other children outside, but it will do you no good. I know that you are very bright and able to understand everything I'm trying to tell you, so please listen carefully.

"The ONLY thing other people can do when they see you, is look at you and make sounds, unless they are actually touching you. Nobody can make you cry or make you feel humiliated by merely looking at you or calling you names. There isn't such a thing as a magical influence going from another person to you and doing things to you that makes you feel something. The feeling is your OWN decision. The only thing the others can do is look at you and make noises into the air, and nothing else.

"You can CHOOSE to feel what you want. For example, you can choose to feel angry, to laugh at them, to hide away, or to kick their balls, or you can choose to feel many, many other things. It's completely up to YOU. You can even choose to feel delighted by all the attention you got!"

Jack was silent, and looked at me questioningly... and I started to think. Could Jack be right? Didn't the looking or the name-calling harm me, but was it my own choice to feel shocked or offended? Did I really have a CHOICE? I had never heard of that before...

Again I saw those two nasty adolescent boys in my mind, sneering at me:

"Look at that creep! Did you ever see such a freaky alien? His mother should have drowned him..."

Again I started to feel disappointed and humiliated, but this time I stopped that feeling, and tried to choose for something else... I tried to feel delighted by all the attention those two big boys did offer me, being such a small runt...

IT WORKED!

Suddenly I saw that in reality those two boys felt embarrassed when they looked at the unexpected sight of such a devastated face, and they didn't know how to cope with their own feelings. Hence they did what most people used to do in such circumstances: they made fun of the reason of their embarrassment, and by doing so felt safe again and returned into their own comfort zone...

"Jack, you RIGHT! I choose delighted, now feel happy. It really work. Thank you!"

Jack got tears in his eyes, and tenderly kissed the top of my head:

"I KNEW you would understand everything! Never give other people the power to manipulate your own feelings. Always be PROUD of yourself, and choose what you WANT to feel. Nobody can harm you or make you feel bad, unless you are giving them the power all by yourself.

"There's something else. People are used to looking at things they never saw before. They never saw your burnt face, so they are looking at it. That's a normal reaction, and everybody will do so. Your face IS burnt, so please get used to this normal reaction from the people around you.

"SMILE at them! A smile is a wonderful thing. When you are smiling at somebody, you are telling the other you are harmless or you want to be a friend. Most people will smile back at you, and the others will avert their eyes and stop the staring. When people can feel that you are proud of yourself, they don't have any reason to make fun of you or call you names to protect their OWN confused feelings."

I was silent for a long time, thinking over all the new information. Soon I discovered something important: if somebody thought something of me, that didn't say anything at all ABOUT me. It said a lot about the person who was judging me... and that was all! I was just me, and it was totally unimportant what other people might think of me, unless I gave them that power myself...

I remembered what had happened to Jack and John, and started to grin:

"When John saw you naked, you colored red in face. You not proud of you self?"

Jack looked surprised, but then he started to laugh:

"You are one very special boy! Yes, you are absolutely right, and I am certainly not perfect myself. I'm not living up to the standard I'm teaching you. Please forgive me my imperfections, as I'm only human and I'm doing my best..."

"I'm only alien, and I'm doing my best too..."

Now both of us laughed, tried to tickle each other, and rolled off the couch together.

18. New teeth, herbs garden, surgery, trauma.

A couple of months passed by; and Jack taught me to speak the language more correctly, as he had promised. Every day we trained for a couple of hours, and Jack was never too tired to help me. The authorities were paying him, because I needed tutoring and Jack had a degree in it.

Jack had told me a couple of things about himself, but I wanted to know more:

"You are sort of a teacher, but without a school. How come?"

"Well, my parents wanted me to be a teacher... And now I do have a school, but it's a very small one, enrolling only one pupil."

"Yes, and you let me have detention all day. I'm never allowed to leave school."

"You want to leave? Just go, the door is open..."

I laughed, stuck out my tongue, and crawled onto his lap:

"I like the detention too much. It's more fun here than anywhere else, except for maybe in the mountains."

Jack started to tickle me, and I squirmed and tried to tickle him back:

"Aren't you supposed to be tutoring me in stead of torturing me?"

"I surrender, because you are becoming too witty for me."

"...I WON!"

John continued to be my very best friend, and visited us as often as he could. The other children visited us now and then, and we continued to be good friends. I started to play outside again, but limited myself to the backyards because I didn't feel ready yet to confront other people with my devastated face. I knew that Jack was right, but my feelings seemed to have their own life and bothered me all the time... It was easy to be proud of myself when nobody was looking, but the moment I saw somebody else everything disappeared into nowhere and I started to tremble all over.

Jack called it a 'trauma', caused by my experiences in the big town, and advised me to change my way of thinking. But how do you do that?

"I don't want to have a trauma. Can't you get it out for me?"

"If I knew how to do that, I could be a millionaire. Just try to ignore your fears and give yourself positive experiences by playing outside as much as possible. Eventually you will overcome your trauma, and be no longer afraid of unknown people."

Playing hide and seek in the backyards was fun. I seemed to be very good at it, probably because I was used to sneaking invisibly and inaudibly through our woods. Every time the other children told me I was too good for them at hiding and sneaking, and they were jealous of my skills.

They teasingly told me I could be a very good spy once I had grown up a bit. I could feel that was not my destination, and I had another task to fulfil in my life. I tried to tell them about it, but they were too impatient to listen to my thoughts and wanted to go on with their games.

Only John always listened to me, and seemed to understand me:

"I know you are a very special person, and I can feel you are right. It's as if you have sort of an aura of royalty and pride around yourself. I think you will be a leader or something like that in the future, and you will be very good at it too. I hope I can be your helper once we are grown up."

"I promise you that, once I'm a leader, you will be my co-operator or first assistant, and we will do everything together."

"Thank you, I will hold you to your words."

Now and then Jack had to be somewhere else, and then I sneaked through the backyards to John's house to spend the day and sometimes the night there. Trudy, John's mother, seemed to be very fond of me, and soon I started to call her 'Mom'.

"Mom, do you have something to eat for me? I'm hungry..."

"Son, you know where everything is. Make yourself and John something healthy."

"Thanks, Mom, you're the best."

I didn't like Eric, John's father, and I could feel he didn't like me either. He was nearly never home, and when he was, he was always picking on John and never on the other children. Fortunately for me he ignored me, and sat in his chair smoking himself to death. At least, I hoped so...

I couldn't grasp that Eric was John's father. Mark and Marrie both resembled Eric, but John looked totally different. John resembled Jack! They had the same deep brown eyes and dark brown hair with little curls around the ears, while Mark and Marrie both had hazel eyes and light brown hair.

One morning I woke up in Jack's safe arms, and felt something strange in my mouth. I took it out, and looked in horror at a small tooth with some blood on it. It had been loose for a couple of days, but all the time I had hoped it would fasten again. Now I was devastated!

"JACK! Please, help me! My teeth are falling out! I don't want to wear false teeth, because I'm way too young to be a grandpa!"

Jack opened his eyes, squinted sleepily at my tooth, and grinned:

"Don't panic, this is a sign that you are growing up. You are losing your baby teeth, because your grown-up teeth are growing behind them and pushing them out of the way. Have a look in the mirror, and then you will see a new tooth appearing in its place."

I jumped out of the bed and went to the mirror. Now I could see that Jack was right! A tiny tip of the new tooth was already visible. I felt very relieved, put the tooth onto the nightstand, and crawled onto Jack's stomach to resume my nap.

The next morning John looked at the gap in my mouth, and grinned:

"When are you going to the dentist, to have your false teeth?"

"I don't need false teeth, because I'm growing up and my new teeth are pushing the old ones out. Here, take a look..."

"I know, because once I was six years old myself you know! Soon the rest of your teeth will fall out too, and be replaced by new ones."

"Then I will finally be a grown-up! I've been waiting for so long..."

John just laughed, and didn't dare to disappoint me. Of course I knew I was talking nonsense, but I liked to mock-tease him a bit. I was only six-and-a-half years old; and still had a very long way to go before I would be able to fulfil my task on earth, whatever that task might be.

My scars started to feel tight and painful, and one day I bumped my thigh into a corner of the couch and yelped from the sudden pain.

Immediately Jack lifted me onto his lap, looking worried:

"I think it's time to go back to the hospital to let the doctors have a look at your scars and excessive wild flesh. I have seen you cringing from the pain a couple of times now, and every time it seems to be worse."

"I don't want to go back to the hospital. Can't we just leave it as it is?"

"What are you afraid of? You know that the doctors are able to help you, and without their help the pain will worsen."

"I'm not afraid of the doctors, and I know the surgery is necessary. But what will happen if Margaret from see pee es shows up again to take me to the madhouse? I don't want to be locked in again and play with a stupid wooden puzzle for the whole day. I want to be with you..."

Jack's face brightened, and he started to laugh:

"Is THAT what you are afraid of? Didn't you listen to Trudy and me the last time? Nobody will ever take you away from us, because your are in our custody until you are eighteen years old and able to decide for yourself. Margaret and CPS are NOT going to take you away, not from me, not from Trudy, not from John, not from your friends, and not from your own home or from the hospital. And if she should ever try to take you away, the police would immediately put her into jail for kidnapping you. You are absolutely free to go where you want to go with us."

I started to sob, while the truth slowly entered my worried system: nobody would ever take me away from Jack and from my friends. I was free to live with Jack, and after the surgery I would return here without any fear of suddenly being taken away to an orphanage again...

I buried my head into Jack's chest, and he held me for a long time, while my fears slowly faded away and I felt relieved:

"It's okay now, Jack. Please will you call the hospital and make an appointment? I want to get rid of the excessive wild flesh."

Jack smiled, kissed me, and went to the phone to make the appointment. I heard him ask for the doctor's assistant, and explained to him why he made the call. He waited, took his agenda, and made a few notations.

Jack thanked the assistant, and returned to the couch:

"The doctor wants to see you next week. We will register you in the afternoon, and if you turn out to be healthy he wants to loosen your skin and remove your wild flesh early in the morning. Is that okay with you?"

"Yes, I'm glad that finally I will be freed of that soaring pain every time I'm bumping into something or stretching myself too far."

We were out of fresh herbs again, and I had already thought of cultivating a couple of them myself. Now I asked Jack:

"Maybe we could grow a couple of herbs in our backyard? That way we will have fresh herbs all the time, and I could experiment a bit with them. Is there a shop somewhere or maybe a farmer where they are selling herbs plants?"

"I think that's a marvelous idea. Do you know which herbs you want to grow? Let's have a look outside."

We went into the backyard, and I pointed to a secluded spot in a corner:

"I think this will be a nice place to grow my herbs, with not too much sunlight, and it's nicely sheltered from the wind."

We collected a couple of cobblestones and painted them, using a thick white paint from the garage. We waited until they had dried, and I put them in a square around the sheltered place where I wanted to have my own herbs.

John showed up and wanted to accompany us. We had no idea where we could buy young herb cuttings or plants, so we looked in the telephone book for a gardener. Jack tried to call him, but in vain as he didn't answer the phone.

"Maybe he is too busy outside, and doesn't hear the ringing. Shall we pay him a visit? It's not far from here..."

I jumped up, and went to the hallway to put on my shoes:

"Okay, let's go. Don't you forget your purse and your keys this time?"

I went outside feeling enthusiastic, and didn’t even think about my fears of being looked at and called names. I reached our car first, and impatiently waited until Jack opened the doors. John and I took the backseat as usual, and Jack drove off after buckling up.

We passed Thomas, Mark, Marrie, and Chrissy, who looked surprised and waved at us. We waved back until we disappeared around the corner.

The gardener had his farm at the border of our village, and soon Jack parked our car in a small lane. I stepped out of the car without even thinking about my burnings, and curiously looked around. The gardener was home, and working on a field full of young trees. He saw us coming, wiped his hands on his trousers, and welcomed us without so much as blinking at the sight of my crippled face.

I looked around again, but couldn't detect any herbs at all:

"I am looking for a couple of nicely smelling herbs to plant in my backyard. Do you have any?"

"I am afraid I can't help you, young man, because I'm only growing and cultivating trees and shrubs. But I will give you another address where they certainly will be able to help you. It's not far from here."

The gardener told us the address, and went back to his orchard without looking back.

Jack parked our car in front of a big store that was selling all sorts of plants and trees, and I started to tremble with enthusiasm. I jumped out of the car, and went straight to the sliding doors that magically opened when they saw me coming. Clever gadjo's again!

I hurried inside, and looked around with bulging eyes. Everywhere I saw plants, flowers, bushes, shrubs, and herbs, all set out along vast aisles. Funny small waterfalls made spluttering sounds, and the moist air smelled nicely of flowers and wet soil. I was in heaven!

I rushed from aisle to aisle, trying to look at all those beautiful plants at the same time, until finally I slowed down a bit and looked around more seriously. The store was crowded with customers, but I didn't even see them. I was too enthusiastic, and totally absorbed by the vegetation. There I saw a herb I knew, and that herb looked nice, and that herb over there...

I looked around until I saw Jack and John, and ran towards them:

"I want to have that herb with those long blades, and that one with the small flowers, and that one over there with those tiny yellow needles..."

"That's okay with me, but please wait for a moment until we've found something to carry them."

John went to the entrance, and returned pushing a shopping trolley. Clever boy!

Now I started to look seriously at what I wanted to plant into my garden. I felt the herbs, smelled them, tasted them, and asked them in my mind for advice. Of course they didn't talk to me, but they let me feel how they wanted to grow and what I could do with them. Slowly the trolley started to fill up, until at last I had collected everything I wanted.

We went to the cash register queue, and for the first time since I entered the shop I saw a couple of customers looking at my devastated face. I couldn't care less, and proudly smiled at them.

THEY SMILED BACK! Not everybody smiled, and some customers averted their eyes or even turned around, but nobody made fun of me or called me names. Jack was right! A few of them even ruffled my hair and told me I was a good boy, making both me and John smile proudly.

We went home carrying wagon loads of all sorts of nicely smelling herbs in our trunk. Jack parked our car in the driveway, and during the next hour all three of us were busy carefully carrying all my precious herbs to our backyard, where we put them down next to my garden.

Jack looked at the gigantic bunch of herbs, and from there at my small garden, and chuckled:

"Don't you think your garden is a little bit too small? Shall we enlarge it?"

We estimated how much room we needed, and put the white cobblestones around my enlarged garden accordingly. That was better!

For the remainder of the day John and I were busy sorting all the herbs and planting them where they told me they wanted to be. With painstaking precision I poured half a cup of water onto every single herb, talking to them, and telling them I wanted them to grow and nicely spice our foods.

They listened to me! Within a few days I could use all of them, and from now on I experimented with all sorts of exquisite tastes.

John promised me to look after my herbs garden while I had to be in the hospital, and I showed him how he should remove the weeds from time to time and keep the soil loose to give the herbs the necessary space to grow. He also had to water the new seedlings every day, until their roots were long enough.

He accompanied us to the hospital, proudly carrying my big trunk containing my clothes and pajamas. I had protested, stating that I never wore any pajamas before and planned to keep it that way, but to no avail. I had to take them with me! Okay, we would see...

A nurse at the counter desk wanted to know who John was, and we told her he was my big brother and I needed him around me to stay calm. Fortunately she believed us, and John was allowed to accompany me into the hospital, but only for today. The rules were very strict!

The nurse brought me to my room, where we put my things away and tried to make the sterile white and green room a little bit cosier.

A black doctor I hadn't seen before appeared and shook our hands, talking with a strange dialect:

"Hello, I am doctor Vanderbilt, and I am new in this hospital. You are my first patient here, so in a way you are very special to me. Don't be afraid, I have performed many operations before, and I am specialized in skin grafts. Am I allowed to have a closer look at your body now?"

I nodded, and quickly undressed. The doctor looked me over from top to toe, and asked me a couple of questions until finally he was satisfied.

"A nurse will bring you to the laboratory, where we will take a few blood and urine samples. From now on you are not allowed to eat or drink until tomorrow after the surgery is done, because your stomach has to be empty during the operations. Early in the morning a nurse will wake you up, and wash you thoroughly. After that we will put you to sleep, and when you are awake again the surgery will be done. I'm reading in your files that this is your fourth operation since the burning, is that correct?"

"Yes, that is correct, but I can't remember the first one. They told me that I was in a coma for around three weeks."

"I see, but I think that by now this fourth operation will be nearly a routine to you. I'm going now, and I will see you back tomorrow."

The nice black doctor went away, and I dressed into my clothes again. Soon a nurse took me to the laboratory, where I had to urinate in a bottle, and she took a few blood samples from a vein in my arm. She told me again not to eat or drink until after the surgery. She offered me a small pill, and I had to swallow it using only one swig of water.

"What is that pill for? Will it make me sleepy?"
"The pill is to help you to stay calm until tomorrow. You will feel only a little bit drowsy, and it also helps you to sleep well tonight."

The nurse brought us back to my room and left us alone, while I started to feel surrealistically calm. Everything was okay, they could do to me what they wanted, I didn't care at all. I yawned a few times, and crawled onto Jack's lap where I nearly fell asleep.

"The nurse told me the pill wouldn't make me sleepy, but I think she never took one herself..."

At last Jack dressed me into my brand new pajama and put me to bed, promising me to be back the next morning to accompany me to the operation theatre. He and John kissed me, while I fell asleep and didn't hear them leaving the room.

The next morning a nurse woke me up and washed me all over. She smeared my body with a stinking brown stuff, and clad me into a green gown. I yawned all the time, and felt sleepy and drowsy. The nurse laughed, and called me a 'sleepy head'. Well, she was right.

The door opened, and Jack appeared in a hurry:

"My my, you are looking good in your new dress! Sorry that I'm a bit late, but I forgot to set the alarm clock."

"You're always forgetting something, and I think I will have to train you a bit more when we're home again. Where is John?"

"John is waiting outside, because he wasn't allowed to visit you this time. Only grown-ups are allowed outside the regular visiting times. John spent the night with me, but he didn't wake up in time either. He asked me to give you a big hug from him too."

"Tell John I love him, and I'll return his hug once I'm home again."

The nurse told us it was time to go, so Jack lifted me into his arms, careful so as not to touch my body. Together we went to the operating theatre, where Jack put me down onto a gurney. My black doctor greeted me, and so did a few other doctors and nurses who crowded around me.

Jack cuddled me for the last time, and tenderly stroked my gown from the outside:

"Sorry that I'm not touching you, but I'll make it up to you once I'm allowed again."

"What are you going to do now, while the doctors are operating me?"

"John and I are going home, attending the phone. The surgery will take a couple of hours, and the doctor promised to phone me when he is done and you're going to wake up again. Then we will race to the hospital to have a look at the new you."

"Okay, and I love you and John. I think the nurse wants to put me to sleep now..."

The nurse laughed, and put a cap around my nose and mouth. I started to take deep breaths, and soon a reassuring darkness welcomed me.

I felt a well-known powerful energy around me, and a bright white light shone everywhere. My huge Spirit Friend appeared, clad in his beautiful robe. He laid his hand on my head, and again I felt his enormous powers streaming through my body and making me feel happy and protected.

He smiled at me, while his eyes radiated pure love:

"You are doing well in the earthly reality, and we are pleased to see you developing so nicely. This operation is needed to help your growing body, and it will be the last one until your new Dad helps you to get a new face. Soon your Big Friend will go home, and he will continue to assist you from here; helped by us, your ancestors, and several other friends in our realm. Now go and meet your last Mom and Dad..."

He stepped aside, and I saw a beautiful green meadow full of colored flowers and majestic trees that welcomed me.

Hesitantly I entered the meadow, marveling at the soft feeling of the grass under my feet and the powerful scent of life itself.

Suddenly I stopped dead in my tracks... did I see that right? Those two people, approaching me and smiling at me...

"DAD, MOM! There you are!"

I raced towards them, jumped up, and landed onto my Dad who caught me and lifted me high into the air:

"My precious boy, it's good to see you here. We've been waiting for this moment..."

He cuddled me, kissed my nose, told me he loved me, and handed me to my Mom...

"My little boy, look at you. You have been growing a lot; not only your body grew up but your spirit is developing as well."

We sat down under one of the trees on a nice wooden bench, and I crawled in between my parents, feeling safe and loved.

We cuddled for a long time, until I wanted to ask them a couple of questions:

"How come I'm meeting you now, and not the last time I was out of my body?"

"We had to get used to moving around without having a body, as from now on we are only thought forms. It was as if we were dreaming, and learned to steer our own dreams. Our spirit guides helped us during the first few months, until we were able to concentrate ourselves sufficiently."

"Why did you leave me, when I needed you so badly after our caravan burnt down?"

"It was our time to go home, and nothing could stop it. We had to live through our Karma, and you had to live through yours. You weren't left alone, as many friends from here were guiding you and bringing you into contact with your Big Friend."

"That beautiful ancestor is telling me every time that I will meet a new Dad. Do you know him?"

"Yes, we do know him. He is waiting in solitude, feeling alone, until it's his time to meet you. Be patient, and he will show up..."

"Do I know him? Who is he?"

"Yes, you do know him. He was your Dad in your past life on earth, and you and he were very close. But now it's time for you to go back."

The green meadow faded away, and the reassuring darkness welcomed me again. My body felt numb, and I tried to open my eyes. Slowly my consciousness returned, and I squinted at the sunlight shining through the curtains into my room.

Jack and John both stood at the side of my bed, and smiled at me:
"Ah, you are awake again, bright and shining, as always. How do you feel?"

I tried to answer them, but my throat felt dry and I had to cough a few times:

"Cough... I'm feeling, cough... strangely numb, and very sleepy. Cough. Is the operation done?"

"Yes, the operation is done, and the doctors are very content. They've replaced a few parts of your skin, and removed a lot of wild flesh. Now you will have to heal for a couple of days, until the doctors allow you to go home."

"Can't I go home now? I want to be with you..."

"That would not be very wise. You will need to be looked after, have your medicines in time, and treated for the post-operation pain."

Somebody knocked on the door, and my black doctor entered the room, smiling:

"Hello everybody, and I see that my little friend woke up. How do you feel?"

"A bit numb, and I had to cough a couple of times. My throat is a little bit sore..."

"That's from the tube you had in it during the surgery. The soreness will go away soon. The other doctors and I have removed a lot of wild flesh from your scars, and replaced a few parts of your skin by small pieces from other places. Everything went well, and we think we can wait now for at least another year, maybe even more, before your growing body will need another surgery. We've put you under a mild sedation, to suppress the pain from the new scars, and that's why you are feeling numb and tired. Do you know what that white knob is for?"

I looked at where he pointed, and saw the so familiar sedation box attached to a small needle in my arm.

"Yes, I can push it if I'm feeling too much pain, but it's making me drowsy too so I have to be careful with it."

"You are a good boy, and I trust you not to use it too much. Now try to rest as much as you can, to help the healing process."

The doctor went away, and I felt really tired. Jack and John decided to leave me alone and return the next morning. I nodded gratefully, closed my eyes, and was gone.

I woke up after a while and felt slightly better. A nurse brought me a light meal, and helped me with the eating because my arms started to itch if I used them too much. I drank a glass of milk, and pushed the white knob because my body started to feel sore all over. Within a few seconds the pain dulled away again, and I closed my eyes to have another nap.

Halfway through the evening my nice black doctor paid me another visit, and looked after the operation wounds by carefully lifting the bandages. Everything was well, and there was no excessive bleeding. The doctor was very pleased, and wished me a good and refreshing night.

The nurse brought me a sleeping pill, and helped me pee into a large bottle. I took the pill, pushed the knob once, and had a sound sleep.

The sun shining through the curtains woke me up, and I had to push the white knob again because the dull pain started to irritate. I could feel my strength returning, and pushed a big glowing knob on the wall to call the nurse. She helped me with the potty, and cleaned me up.

"You are healing fast, after such a major operation. I've seldom seen a small boy recuperate that fast."

"I'm feeling much better today, and now I'm really hungry too!"

"That's a good sign. I will bring you something substantial to eat."

The nurse brought me a nice breakfast, and I wolfed it down with appetite, making her smile. She cleaned my face, and straightened the blankets.

"You may call me any time you need me, and I like you very much. You are a brave boy."

The nurse went away, and I waited for Jack who had promised to visit me. Would he be late again?

The door opened; and Jack's face peeped around the corner, looking at me with beaming eyes:

"Hello, my dear friend, it's good to see you again. How are you today?"

Jack stepped into the room, carrying something big and oblong packed in a brown paper. He handed it to me without saying a word...

Of course I was curious, being only six-and-a-half years old. I tore the brown paper to pieces, and stared in awe at a big herbal learning book full of beautifully colored pictures! My throat choked up, and I couldn't say a word for a long time. This was the most precious present I received ever in all my life! I threw my arms around Jack's neck and nearly suffocated him, not caring about the plastic tube in my arm.

We cuddled for a long time, until I became too tired and had to rest. Jack left me, promising to be back during visiting time in the afternoon.

I slept for an hour or so, and woke up with my arms folded around my beautiful herbal learning book, cherishing Jack's precious gift.

I tried to sit upright, which caused me some extra pain, but I didn't care. I pushed the white knob an extra time, and slowly opened my book...

The next few hours I was totally caught up in my beautiful book full of pictures of all different kinds of herbs. I had never known there would be so many of them, in all different sorts and colors, having small or big leaves, showing flowers or needles, being too many to count. I tried to read all those difficult words, and tried to feel their meaning and what they had to tell me. I felt myself becoming a real herbs specialist!

John showed up, shucked his shoes, sat next to me on the bed, and together we flipped through my book, while Jack grinned and tried to translate the too difficult Latin words into something we could understand...

"You don't need to know all those difficult Latin names, and I think it's enough to know what they are called in normal life."

"But many herbs do have only those difficult names, and there isn't another name for them in my book..."

"Oh yeah? Well, I don’t know that much about them. Maybe you are right after all."

I grinned, and tried to read the next difficult word I didn't understand, helped by John.

Now and then we recognized a herb I had in my own garden in our backyard, and tried to pronounce it's Latin name.

Suddenly I thought of something very important, and asked John:

"How is my herbs garden? Did you look after it and water the new seedlings every day?"

"Of course I did! I've been looking after them twice every day, and I've even talked to them and told them you were in the hospital."

"Thank you. I knew I could count on you!"

The next couple of days I 'buried' myself in my herbal book, as the nurses teasingly told me. I started to read in it the moment I woke up, and reluctantly put it on the nightstand when I had to rest or sleep, putting a piece of paper in it where I stopped the reading. Unnoticed the reading helped me to read better and faster, and my learning book became my reading teacher as well.

I spelled out all the descriptions of the many hundreds of herbs until I knew them from the heart; and at last I knew exactly which herbs I wanted to grow in my garden, what special treatment they needed, and how I could use them to spice our foods.

The nurse removed the needle from my arm, because I hadn't used the sedation knob for a long time. She removed my bandages, and the doctor looked me over from top to toe. He was very pleased with the result, and told me I was allowed to go home within three days. I cheered and kissed him, making him presumably blushing all over, but you couldn't see it on his black skin...

The next day my scars started to itch, and again the doctor looked at them. He thought that maybe the healing process caused the itching, and prescribed a soothing oil to massage my body. From that day on Jack or John massaged me every night, and that helped.

Now I was allowed to move around freely, and I visited the shower and the bathroom all on my own. I didn't like wearing pajamas, but the nurse told me I had to, else I was not allowed to wander around and had to stay in my room all day...

The last evening in the hospital I was nervous. Jack and John went home in a festive mood, after promising to collect me the next morning. Jack took most of my clothes home, including my herbal learning book, and left only the things I needed to dress myself and my pajama.

Now I was alone, and afraid. Would I really go back to Jack's house tomorrow? Or would Margaret from see pee es show up again and take me away, just like she did the last time I thought I was going to live with Jack... I shuddered at the thought, and nearly started to cry. What should I do?

I thought about hiding myself in another room and waiting until Jack showed up, but no room was empty and the people in them would surely betray me. I thought about looking for a big knife, to defend myself the next morning in case Margaret showed up...

At last I put on my pajama, tiptoed out of my room, and silently went to a small room. I knew that the workwomen kept several cleaning things there. I went in, closed the door, and switched on the lights. I looked around carefully, but couldn't find any knives or other sharp things. Finally I took a broken broomstick, and hid it under my pajama. I sneaked back to my room, and put the stick upright next to my bed, determined to defend myself to the death in case Margaret or somebody else from see pee es would show up to kidnap me again.

I didn't sleep very well, thinking all night about how I would defend myself against my kidnappers. Now and then I looked at my broomstick, putting it so that I could find it blindly, if needed. I dragged myself through the night, now and then sleeping a little bit, until finally the morning sun showed up and lighted the room. I shucked my pajama, dressed into my clothes, put on my shoes, and waited... What would happen?

I heard somebody walking outside across the hallway, and nearing my room. Suddenly I was very tensed, and took my broomstick in both hands. Where did I have to hit that pig in my snare? In its neck, directly behind the ears. I sneaked next to the door, and lifted my stick...

The footsteps passed my door, and went away.

Suddenly I broke down, and started to cry. I didn't want to hit Margaret directly behind the ears... I wanted to live with Jack, and why couldn't see pee es leave me alone? Why had they to kidnap me and bring me to that madhouse? Why did I have this dreadful trauma?

Jack and John found me behind my door, curled up into a ball, desperately clamping a broken broomstick in both hands, and crying my heart out.

Jack kneeled next to me, and tenderly put his arms around my shaking body:
"My little friend, what are you doing to yourself? I had a dream about you tonight. I saw you standing next to your door, ready to kill Margaret from CPS if she should show up this morning. Was my dream correct?"

I shuddered, and nodded my head. Jack's dream was correct; I HAD planned to kill another human being, using only one blow behind the ears...

I threw the broomstick to the other side of the room, nearly hitting John, and threw myself into Jack's safe arms.

We climbed onto my hospital bed, sat next to each other, and talked. I told Jack and John everything about my recurring fears that finally Margaret from CPS would kidnap me again and bring me back to the orphanage or to the madhouse.

"I know that it will never happen and that I'm safely in your custody; but part of me doesn't believe and is still afraid."

"It's a shame that this CPS conduct has caused such a trauma! They should know better than tearing little children from their safe environments. Especially because they are telling everybody that they are doing this to PROTECT our children..."

"I don't need their protection, because I have you and John to protect me. Please tell me again that I am safe with you..."

"John and I will both protect you with our own lives if necessary, you can be absolutely sure of that. Do you believe me now?"

"I do believe you, and I hope that the trauma part of me will believe you too..."

Jack lifted me onto his shoulders, John put my pajama and the bottle of oil into a plastic bag, and together we went to the entrance. Jack had to sign a paper, and we went outside and to our car. John and I both took the backseat as usual, and we drove off, going HOME.

19. Home again, bear mask, John and Thomas.

Jack parked the car in our driveway, and I looked speechlessly at a beautiful green-and-golden sign over our front door, stating 'WELCOME HOME'.

Those colors I remembered from our mountains! I was sure they belonged to me in some way, and stammered:

"... Is... is that... that has to be... for ME?"

Jack and John both nodded with beaming eyes, and ruffled my hair at the same time. Now I felt REALLY home, and started to sniffle.

I left our car with teary eyes, and patiently waited until Jack opened our front door. Suddenly I thought I saw something colorful slowly waving inside, and entered the door curiously...

I looked in awe at tens of colored balloons and streamers, slowly moving in the sudden draught. They were beautiful! Had Jack and John done all this because of my coming home? I couldn't say a word, and my throat choked up for a long time. I leaned into Jack, and he put his arms around me and held me until I regained my voice.

"I... I love you, very much. It's beautiful... I feel like it's my birthday today, but I'm only home from the hospital..."

"We did miss you; you know... We really missed our little brainiac. The house felt empty, and everything was too silent without your enthusiasm and your thousand-and-one questions about everything and nothing..."

Again I choked up and was silent for a long time, while I looked at all those beautiful colors that welcomed me.

Finally I went to the backyard, accompanied by John, to have a look at my herbs garden. John had done a good job, and all the herbs were flourishing and growing abundantly. I thanked John, kneeled down, and removed a few dead leaves and overblown flowers.

Suddenly John looked a bit ashamed:

"Sorry, I didn't know I had to do that..."

"There's no need to be sorry, as you did everything very well. It's me who is sometimes a little bit too tidy..."

John looked relieved, and grinned:

"Maybe Jack could learn something from you?"

"Shush... of course you're right, but there's no need to let him know. I'm secretly training him..."

Both of us laughed and went back to the kitchen, where by chance Jack was tidying the sink...

Jack couldn't understand why we suddenly bellowed with laughter and refused to tell him why.

That evening our house was crowded. Everybody visited us, and Jack ordered a wagonload of pizzas. He had rented a projector and a couple of nice films, and that evening I saw a real film for the first time in my life. Of course Jack had to play the films a second time, and we all shrieked with laughter when he let the film play backwards and suddenly all sorts of very strange things happened.

"Jack, isn't it possible for us to live backwards? That would be really nice..."

"Ah, our little brainiac is home again... We've missed your questions for a couple of weeks."

"But I'm serious! I could step into a film, you play it backwards, and I'm returning as a younger boy without my burnings..."

"Then you will have to relive everything again, including the fire, before you will be able to meet me."

"Well... if I had to choose between you and having a normal face... That would be a very difficult decision."

Now it was Jack's time to choke up and be silent for a long time...

My friends went home, telling us they had lots of fun, and Jack and I got rid of the leftovers and reorganized the house. Both of us were tired, and went upstairs to shower. Jack smeared my body with the soothing oil, we went to our bedroom, and I wormed myself into his safe arms.

Jack grinned, and stroked my stomach:

"Now you're feeling like an eel, being slithery all over..."

"That's not my fault. It's you who applied the oil..."

"I had to, because otherwise you would be fidgeting and scratching all night."

"How do you know? This is the first time since the last surgery that I'm sleeping next to you."

"Oh yeah... well, I give up; again you are too witty for me."

"Again I won!"

"In your dreams."

"I'm still awake."

"Not for long..."

Jack was right. I woke up the next morning lying safely in the arms of my softly snoring Big Friend. I crawled onto his stomach; and tickled his nose until he made a couple of stupid faces, sneezed, and woke up.

A beautiful smile lighted his face, and he threw his arms around my body:

"Hi, my little friend. I'm glad you are home again and using my stomach as a pillow, as usual."

"Nah, you didn't miss me because John slept with you when I was in the hospital."

"That's true, but only a few times. I tried to let John sleep in your bed, but an hour later I felt him crawl next to me. I was too sleepy to send him away, and the next time we were too used to each other's company and immediately went to my bed."

"I didn't expect anything else. You and John are belonging to each other, just like you and I are having such a special bond."

Jack was silent, and I could feel him brooding. What was the problem? Wasn't I right? I WAS right, and I could clearly feel it...

"I think that John is your own son, only you don't know it and John is living in another house."

Jack looked into my eyes for a long time, as if considering what he could tell me:

"You may be right... but please don't talk about it to anybody else, including John. Nobody can know."

"Okay, but I know I am right!"

I felt John's energy around our house, veered up, and announced:

"There's John, and I think he's doing something funny."

"How for heaven's sake do you know, now and every time?"

"I can feel his energy, and he's in a joyful mood..."

I jumped out of bed and went to the front door, just in time to open it before John pushed the bell.

I opened the door, and grinned at... an enormous grizzly bear, growling angrily and planning to tear me to pieces. I was in the woods, and the monster planned to use me as a little snack. My Dad desperately tried to rescue me with only a small knife in his hands, but in vain...

The bear started to laugh, and I stared with amazement at its brown T-shirt, blue jeans, and grey sneakers. Slowly the woods disappeared, and the bear turned into John, wearing a funny teddy bear mask, trying to growl and laugh at the same time.

I shook my head to get rid of that awful vision, trembled all over, and started to cry.

Immediately John lifted the mask off his face, and threw his arms around me:

"Sorry that I scared you. I thought it would be fun to surprise you..."

"It is fun, and you didn't scare me, but I saw an enormous grizzly bear tearing me to pieces, while my father tried to rescue me with only a small knife in his hands. I could even smell that bear..."

John looked surprised, and stared into space:

"That is strange... I am sure I killed that same bear with my bare hands! We were somewhere in the woods; and I was a grown-up..."

I tried to remember more, but the memories faded away. Maybe I had fantasized them myself? I dried my eyes, and John and I went upstairs.

John put the mask back onto his face, before we entered Jack's bedroom:

"Jack, look! I've brought a nasty bear from a circus, and it tried already to tear me to pieces."

The bear growled at Jack, and Jack started to laugh:

"I'm still worn out from our party yesterday. Maybe you two could have some fun without me, while I'm trying to get some more sleep?"

"Of course we can have fun without you! John, will you help me washing my hair, because Jack is too lazy today?"

We went to the shower, where John shucked his clothes and put them onto the drawer cabinet, while I adjusted the water taps.

John took the shampoo bottle, and tried to make some lather. He mixed it with a bit of soap, but still didn't get enough lather to his taste.

Obviously he wanted to have more fun, because he asked me:

"Do you have some detergent? For example the stuff you're using to clean up greasy dishes?"

"Let's have a look in the kitchen."

"But both of us are naked... Don't we have to dry and dress first?"

"Of course not. Come on, let's go, nobody is looking at you."

We went downstairs, laughing and pushing each other. John looked around in the kitchen, and soon found the stuff he needed.

"Okay, that will do. Come on, let's try it out!"

John mixed some soap with shampoo, added a few drops of detergent, a drop of vinegar, and a little bit of washing powder. He added some water, and started to lather it up using a skimmer he had stolen from the kitchen.

It worked! Within two minutes we swam around in enormous lather-clouds, having the fun of our lives. We had to stop the shower, because the water rinsed away the lather too fast. Everything was slippery, and soon both of us had several bruises, but who cares! We had fun.

After a while a lazy sleepy head appeared around the corner, and started to laugh:
"What are you two doing? Depriving me of all the shampoo?"

"Come in, Jack, and join the fun! We are in heaven, and swimming around in the clouds like angels."

"You are sure both of you are ANGELS?"

"Nah, maybe we are little devils... but then you have to be Lucifer."

"Again you are too witty for me."

"It's boring to win every time..."

Jack did join us, and now we had even more fun. We tried to let Lucifer disappear completely under the lather, while Jack tried to make winged angels out of two little devils who tried to tackle him every time. At last nearly all of the lather was gone, and Jack turned on the shower to rinse the remainder off our bodies. We washed each other, left the shower looking like shriveled prunes, and carefully dried each other.

Jack went to his bedroom, slumped down onto the bed, and sighed:

"You two have a way of wearing out an old man like me..."

John and I crawled onto Jack's stomach, laughing and competing for the best place. Jack threw his arms around our bodies, and all three of us enjoyed the nice feelings of friendship and real love that bonded us.

That is, until our stomachs started to rumble and told us it was time to feed the growing boys.

We went downstairs without even bothering about our clothes, making John chuckle:

"Now all of us are naturists, and I like it. It's fun walking around naked."

"In our mountains we did so every day, except for outside our caravans when it was too cold in the winter. Nobody had ever heard of naturists, as to us it felt completely natural to be without any clothes."

"I wish that I could be living in your mountains too!"

"I wish that I knew where they are... sometimes I'm missing them."

Suddenly I did feel a bit sad. Would I ever be able to see my mountains again?

We raided the refrigerator, and prepared a copious and healthy meal for two growing boys and an exhausted grown-up with the help of my herbs.

Jack looked surprised at the amounts of food John and I were stowing away, and chuckled:

"I think it's time to refill our stock. Maybe I forgot how my own youth used to be..."

He took a piece of paper and wrote down what he thought we would need to survive the upcoming week, enthusiastically helped by us.

Now we HAD to dress to be able to go outside without shocking the neighbors, and reluctantly went upstairs.

John fumbled with the teddy bear mask in his hands, and frowned at me:

"Maybe you could join us in the supermarket wearing my mask? That way nobody will make fun of you..."

I thought it over, and decided that maybe I could do that, but still hesitated a bit:
"Are you sure they will not tease me or try to pull the mask off?"

"Don't they dare to do that! Be assured that I will defend my little brother with my life!"

"Okay, but Jack has to promise me to bring me home immediately if it will not work out."

Jack laughed and promised me, and I decided to give it a chance and join them.

John put the mask onto my face, adjusting the straps until it fitted. I went to the hallway mirror, and growled at the little teddy bear that showed up and looked at me. The little teddy bear growled back, and both of us seemed to have a lot of fun. We waved at each other and turned around at the same time, to go shopping in a big supermarket in town.

"Jack, don't you forget your wallet and your keys?"

Jack grinned sheepishly, and took his wallet from the table. He started to look around for his keys, went upstairs to look in his bedroom and in the shower, returned, looked in the kitchen cupboards and behind the couch, and finally found them in his pocket.

We went outside, and Jack raced back inside to snatch his wallet from the kitchen table where he had put it while looking in the cupboards...

We drove off, still grinning, and I asked John:
"Where did you get that mask from?"

"Thomas won it last year, at a fair. He used it for a while to chase the girls, until they got bored and told him to shut up. He found it yesterday while cleaning up his room, and gave it to me to have some fun."

"There is something I don't understand... What is the fun about chasing girls?"

"Wait until you are a bit older, and you will understand it all by yourself."

"I think I will never use my penis to breed a little duffer!"

John looked shocked and colored a deep red, while Jack grinned and kept his eyes on the road...

We parked our car in the parking lot, and I looked around at all those busy customers. A few of them laughed at me, but nobody made fun of me or called me names. Reassured, I asked Jack for a coin and went to the supermarket to get a shopping cart.

I drove the cart to the first aisle, and a small boy approached me:

"Are you a teddy bear?"

I growled at the little boy, but he wasn't impressed at all and started to laugh:

"You don't sound like a real bear."

He took his mother's hand and together they disappeared into the crowd. How did he know how a real bear should sound?

More customers were looking and pointing at me, laughing and calling each other to have a look. My face started to itch behind the mask, but I couldn't care less. I had FUN, and started to show off and dance while driving our cart. It felt good to be such a center of attention!

A girl of about John's age looked at me curiously, laughed, and suddenly took my hand:

"Beautiful teddy bear, do you want to dance with me?"

I nodded, growled at her, and left the cart to John. The girl growled back, and we held each other and danced away. Together we danced around the shop, now and then growling at the gathering customers who started to applaud and made some more space.

The nice girl and I performed a real bear dance, swirling around and growling at the other children, until we bumped into a pile of boxes and were buried beneath them, still laughing. The girl stood up, straightened her clothes, and disappeared into the crowd. One of the shop attendants restacked the boxes, while I thanked John and resumed my place at our shopping cart.

The store owner waited for us at the entrance, and handed both of us a big tablet of chocolate:

"Thank you for the show! I loved it, and it was a good publicity stunt too. I hope you will be back soon."

John and I bowed, and followed Jack to our car. We put the groceries into the trunk and drove off, waved at by the shop owner and a bunch of loudly cheering children. I felt like a real King, acclaimed by my Beloved Subjects...

I removed the mask from my face, and rubbed the places where it was itching:
"That was FUN! Did you see that girl dancing with me? I think she liked me..."

John chuckled, and punched my shoulder:

"Do you understand now what could be the fun of chasing girls?"

Something started to dawn...

Jack parked our car in the driveway, and John helped us with putting the groceries away. Unfortunately he had to go home to do a couple of chores. He took the teddy bear mask and his tablet of chocolate, politely thanked Jack for everything, and promised us to be back the next day. We hugged each other, and he went home, waving until he didn't see us any more.

The next day John didn't show up as he had promised. Where could he be? Did he eat too much chocolate? I sneaked through the backyards to have a look, but didn't see him. However, Eric seemed to be at home, smoking himself to death as usual.

Should I go inside and ask for John? I didn't want to meet Eric, and Trudy didn't show up either, so I went home...

That evening I regretted it, and promised myself to pay John's house a visit the next day to ask why John didn't show up.

The next morning I woke up at the sound of the doorbell and jumped out of bed, ignoring a muttering Jack.

I opened the front door, and a raging John stamped inside:

"That son of a bitch! He threw the mask away, and I got detention for BEGGING!"

"What do you mean by begging? What happened?"

"Eric was home, and saw me eating some chocolate. He pressed me to tell what had happened, and started to lecture me. He told me it was silly to beg and behave childish. When I protested he threw the chocolate and the mask away, and I got detention to learn how to behave properly."

I didn't know what to say, and just hugged him until his anger diminished. Why didn't John live with US...

I shared my own tablet of chocolate with John, and he helped me by washing my hair again. Together we tried out a new recipe John found in a chemistry book to make even more lather, with the help of some laxative soda and vinegar. Clever John, always up to something new...

It worked! Within two minutes we swam around in enormous lather-clouds, and a minute later our bodies started to itch and our eyes started to prickle. We dived for the shower taps, and rinsed each other off in a record time... That did NOT work!

John laughed, and promised me to better his life. Would he really? Inwardly I hoped not...

We went to Jack's bedroom, where both of us dived onto our sleepy head uttering Indian yells and fighting for the best place. Jack growled, but couldn't get rid of us. Soon he gave up; and we cuddled for quite a while, until our stomachs warned us that feeding time was coming up.

We went downstairs, and Jack looked at us curiously:

"What happened? Your eyes are red all over. Did you cry?"

John and I started to laugh, and John snickered:

"We tried to make more lather by mixing shampoo with sodium carbonate and vinegar; thus producing lots of CO2. It worked, and the shower stall filled nicely with lather, but unfortunately it turned out to be not too healthy for us..."

"I thought I had only one brainiac in the house, but now I'm not so sure any more."

"Maybe I could use an air pump and a couple of nozzles or such, to make more lather..."

"Do I have to buy you more shampoo in advance?"

Now we all started to laugh. What would be the next surprise John had in stock for us?

Jack had to be away for a few days, to attend sort of an additional study to be able to be an even better tutor:

"I will make more money after attending this study. However, I don't know what to do with you. I can't leave you on your own in the house for three days. What do you think; shall we ask Trudy or John to baby-sit you?"

"I am NOT a baby! But I don't want to be alone in the house for three days either. Couldn't you ask Trudy and John to look after me?"

"Sorry, that's what I should have said! Of course you aren't a baby, as you're already a nearly-seven-year-old Big Boy."

"Now you're pulling my leg again, and it's no fun! I know I'm not even seven years old, but I do FEEL much older. I can't help it..."

"That's because you are so bright, and you are understanding far more than other children your age. Don't be upset about it."

"I'm not upset about it, but I... I... Sorry, let's forget about it!"

Jack started to laugh, and I punched him for being so insensitive. He jumped up and chased me around the living room, and I dived under the table, making him chuckle. This time he had learned his lesson, because he let me alone and sat down on the couch, mock-moping.

I sat down next to him and leaned into him, and he threw his arms around my shoulders:

"Next time I will get you for being so cheeky! Shall we go to Trudy and John now?"

"Can't we wait until it's dark? I don't like to be outside while everybody can see me..."

"Harry, it's not important how your face is looking. It's important who you ARE, and what you are thinking of yourself."

"Yes, I know, but I'm forgetting this every time people are looking at me and calling me a freaky alien or worse."

"Everything will change once you are really proud of yourself. The looking can't hurt you, and the name-calling is only a vibration in the air. Nobody who isn't actually touching you can hurt you, but you are hurting yourself by reacting to it. It's all up to you!"

"Yet I'm wishing every day they would stop staring at me so much..."

"There will be a time when you are staring at THEM, and are teaching them how to behave properly!"

My brain couldn't really believe Jack, but deep inside I knew he was right. I HAD sort of a task to fulfill in my life... but how about my face?

We waited until darkness fell; and went to John's house, five doors away. Marrie opened the door, and seemed to be happy to see me.

She embraced me, embraced Jack, turned around, and shouted inside:

"Mom, Jack and Harry are here, and they want to see you."

Trudy appeared from the kitchen, wiping her hands at her apron:
"What a surprise! Please come in, and I'll join you within a minute."

She went back to the kitchen; and Jack and I followed Marrie to the living room, where a curious Mark appeared in the doorway:

"What are you doing here? Do you know that Dad is home..."

Now John appeared in the doorway, pushing Mark aside roughly:

"Come in, both of you, and have a seat. What do you want to drink?"

I could smell Eric the very moment we entered the living room. Apparently he was still trying to smoke himself to death! Jack went to Eric and offered his hand, but Eric turned his chair around rudely and stared at the dark window as if he could see something very interesting outside.

Marrie and Mark resumed their game of cards, both lying on the floor and obviously trying to ignore the situation.

After two minutes Trudy and John appeared, carrying coffee and lemonade. Jack and I sat down onto the couch, and Jack and Eric both took a cup of coffee while I took a glass of lemonade. John joined us on the couch, while Mark and Marrie drank their lemonade lying on the floor.

Suddenly Eric rose from his chair and left the room, slamming the door... Everybody sighed, and the relief was palpable.

John looked at the slammed door with hate in his eyes:
"Why doesn't he leave us alone for always? We don't need him here; he's screwing up the atmosphere every time he's home..."

Trudy sighed, and gently put her arms around John:

"You know you shouldn't speak about your Dad like this. After all, he IS your father."

"Well, many times I doubt it! I don't even look like him, and he feels more like an enemy who's pestering me every time he sees me."

"You know he has a difficult time, and he doesn't know how to cope with it..."

"Well, I have a difficult time too. I've had enough of his dreadful moods. It was Thomas' mask he threw away, and he had no right to do that. He doesn't want to raise my little brother, he doesn't want to help me with my homework, he doesn't listen to me... Is that how a FATHER behaves?"

John got tears in his eyes and started to sob, while Trudy tried to comfort him, showing teary eyes herself.

After a while Trudy and John went to the kitchen to wash their faces. They returned having their arms around each other, and the atmosphere in the room cleared up a lot. Marrie and Mark started to tease each other as usual, and John's eyes brightened again.

Trudy brewed another cup of coffee for her and Jack, and sat down again:

"Jack, may I ask you what's on your mind? Why are you here?"

"Well, I've already told you I want to get my next degree, and that's why I have to be away for a short course this weekend. I thought about asking you and John to baby-sit Harry while I'm away, but Harry thinks it's easier for you to look after him for three days. What do you think?"

"Harry knows he's always welcome here! He has his own bed in John's room, just for events like this. The only thing is, Thomas' parents are away too this weekend, and we've promised them to look after Thomas for two days. That was no problem, as he could sleep in Harry's bed..."

"Well, then we have to look for another solution. Unfortunately it's impossible to take Harry with me, so I will have to hire a baby-sit."

John frowned, veered up, and asked his mother:
"Do you remember that camp bed we had once? Where is it?"

"I think it's in the garage, stowed away somewhere... Do you think your room will be big enough for three beds?"

"Of course it will! That way Harry can sleep in his own bed and Thomas can use the camp bed."

"Okay, then I think it's settled for the weekend, supposed the camp bed is still in a reasonable condition."

"I'll look in the garage tomorrow, and try to set it up in advance."

We had some more small talk, and then Jack and I went home to shower and have our beauty sleep.

Jack went to his weekend course, and I went to John's house carrying some spare clothes, waiting until I was sure the street was empty.

Mark and Marrie seemed to be happy to see me, and John took me through the backyard to the adjacent house to collect Thomas. That was a good idea! Why didn't I think of that myself, sneaking through the backyards to my friends...

"That's a very good idea! Now nobody can see my freaky face."

"Don't say that ever again! It's not how you look but who you are that counts!"

"Yes, I know... Jack told me too, but it's very difficult to be proud of myself when everybody is staring and making fun of me."

Chrissy accompanied her parents, but Thomas felt too old to be under their wings and decided to spend the weekend with John.

"I'm old enough to look after myself, without my parents being around me all the time."

"Of course... but now you have us around you to look after you all the time!"

John and I started to laugh, while Thomas had a sour face. He followed us back to John's house via the backyard.

We went upstairs and put away our clothes in John's room, looking approvingly at the arrangements. John had put together the two beds, forming one big bed for Thomas and himself, and my camp bed was parallel to them at the other side, leaving a small walkway in between.

Mark and Marrie joined us outside to play our game of hide and seek in the backyards, and again we had lots of fun. No nasty neighbor boys were showing up this time, and again I seemed to be very good at spying, sneaking away, and hiding myself. At last it was too dark, and we went inside to wash our faces and wait impatiently to be fed.

Trudy asked me to assist her in the kitchen, and I beamed with pride. At first she tried to tell me what I had to do, but soon I took over and showed her how to fritter the herbs and slice the tomatoes without squashing them too much. At last she left everything to me, and even asked me to teach her a couple of things. Of course I did, and a wonderful aroma spread through the house and allured everybody to the kitchen.

Eric didn't show up, and nobody missed him! We ate until we were stuffed to the brim, and Thomas tried to scrape the last crumbs out of the pan.

Thomas and John cleaned the cutlery, while Mark and Marrie wanted to know how I learned to cook so well. I tried to tell them, but couldn't remember how it started. Everything from the mountains was still a bit vague and misty, and I remembered only a few things with clarity. The doctor in the hospital once told me he thought that my brain had tried to shut down the memories of the burning, because they were too painful. Unfortunately together with the memories of the burning all my other memories seemed to be shut down too, at least partially.

I felt a little bit sad and was rather silent for the remainder of the evening, trying to remember more things from my beloved mountains.

John and Thomas decided to go to bed early because they were tired, and I joined them upstairs. We tried to shower together, but that didn't work out because the stall was too small, so we showered one by one and dried each other in John's room. At first Thomas was a bit shocked at seeing my naked body having all those nasty scars, but after a while he got used to it and helped me by washing my hair.

He rinsed my hair and dried it, while he thought aloud:

"Maybe next time we can shower in your house, because I think your shower has enough room for all of us."

"How do you know? Did you see our shower before?"

"I had a look at it when we saw you for the first time, remember? We carried all those clothes to your parents."

"Yes, I remember. However I didn't know you were upstairs too."

"I followed John carrying a couple of plastic bags, but John entered Jack's bedroom. That's when I peeked into the shower."

20. Waiting for a new Dad, snow, Jack is dead.

Several months passed by, and I had another growth spurt while my mouth filled up with new teeth. Jack had to buy me some new winter clothes, while I waited in our car. I didn't have enough confidence to accompany him into the shop without wearing a mask...

Unfortunately Jack had to go back to the shop to exchange the new clothes because they didn't fit properly. He didn't protest about it, but I didn't feel very happy and was silent for the remainder of the day. I didn't want to be such a nuisance...

The next morning I tried to defend myself about my behavior:

"I am proud of myself, or at least I'm trying... but I don't like to have those poor saleswomen faint again because of my face."

Jack chuckled, and ruffled my hair:
"Yeah, you're really a caring boy, to have so much consideration for those poor saleswomen."

Did he tease me? I wasn't sure... until I saw him grin. Two seconds later we were chasing each other through the house, trying to tackle each other. He was the stronger one, but I was faster and ducked under the table before he could catch me. He tried to follow me, but I was already in the backyard, sticking out my tongue.

Now I had him, because he panicked:

"Come in, before other people are seeing you naked! They might think I'm molesting you..."

"Well, you ARE! Why else are you chasing me through the house, and even outside it?"

"You are such a wisecrack..."

He muttered a bit and went inside the house; soon followed by me, still laughing. I knew he could never be mad at me for a long time...

I was seven years old now, and now and then remembered what my powerful ancestor once told me:

"You will meet your new Dad when the earth has rounded the sun two times."

Of course I had Jack, and he was my Very Best Big Friend. Sometimes he felt like my second Dad, but at other times I missed a REAL Dad.

I couldn't explain the difference, but it had to do with a feeling of really belonging to somebody else. I did like Jack very much, and I loved him with all my heart and with real love, but I didn't really BELONG to Jack. I was waiting for somebody else...

I was six years old at the time my ancestor told me I had to wait for another two years, so I would meet my real Dad once I was eight years old...

I supposed I had to be patient for another year.

How would Jack react once I had met my new Dad? Would he be disappointed? I had never told him about my prophecy, so he didn't know what would happen once I was eight years old. Would my ancestors be managing everything again, as they had done when I had to meet Jack?

Would I have to leave the neighborhood here, once I was going to live with my new Dad? I didn't want to miss John and my other friends...

Would my new Dad know where my mountains are? Maybe we could visit them together... my heart jumped up at the thought. I would remember everything, and show my new Dad my own way of living. Together we would help my own Gypsy people in our mountains.

Would my new Dad and Jack be friends? Maybe Jack could accompany us, still being my private tutor...

I stopped the thinking because I started to get a headache, and silently crawled onto Jack's safe lap.

Jack tutored me for a couple of hours every day, while my friends attended school. I knew I was very bright, but writing the new language was something else! It was as if my brain shut down the moment I had to spell a word in that language. Most of the time I wrote 'phonetically' as Jack called it: I wrote the letters down as I could hear them in my head. Jack couldn't explain why I had to write 'much' when the word clearly sounded like 'mutsj'...

Again this was such a stupid gadjo thing, but I realized I had to learn it their way otherwise they wouldn't allow me to get a degree.

In my mountains everything was a lot easier! I remembered being able to read and write when I was only four years old, but they didn't make such a fuss about all those extra words, and my people wrote down all the words the way they pronounced them, even the difficult ones.

I was going outside more and more, and roamed our surroundings when my friends weren't at home. Soon I knew every small lane and hiding place, and every dog and every cat knew me. They all enthusiastically greeted me when they saw me, because dogs and cats don't care about how your face is looking. The dogs tried to lick my face and hands, while the cats twisted around my legs and wanted to be petted.

They all patiently listened to me when I had to tell them something, and many times I had the feeling they really understood me even better than most human beings...

When my friends were at home and had finally done their homework, we played hide and seek in the backyards. Slowly they became more and more skilled by looking at how I sneaked away and hid myself nearly invisibly. Only Chrissy didn't catch it and kept hiding behind too small trees. Of course we didn't tease her, because she couldn't help it and we liked her to mutsj. Oops... too much.

"Chrissy, it's not enough to hide only your body. You have to hide your arms too!"

"But I didn't see you any more when I was behind that tree..."

"You didn't see us, but we did see your arms and thus knew where you were."

"You're always picking on me, and I'm really doing my best."

"We're not picking on you, but trying to help you."

"I don't need your help, and it's a stupid game anyway."

Yeah, well...

Jack had to go shopping regularly, and now and then I accompanied him. He entered the shops, while I waited patiently until he returned. Now and then John accompanied us, and helped Jack by putting everything into the trunk.

I was still very wary about showing my face to unknown people, being afraid they would start to tease me or call me names again.

Of course Jack tried to help me overcome my fears every time:

"Do you remember when we were in that herbs shop? There you couldn't care less about what other people thought about your face."

"I know, but then I was enthusiastic and didn't even see those other people."

"Maybe you could be enthusiastic again? Try to set yourself a goal..."

"I AM trying, really, but every time my brain is intervening and telling me they will laugh at me again."

"I think a good psychiatrist might be able to help you with your trauma. Shall we look for one, to help you?"

"I am NOT crazy! Margaret tried to put me into a madhouse once, and I'm not going to enter another one voluntarily!"

Jack shook his head, and did I see tears in his eyes? I was stubborn, and didn't need any help...

Summer went by; and slowly, nearly imperceptibly, the days became shorter and colder. Again I had to wear my winter clothes, because my scars started to be painful when they got too cold. After some time I had to go inside to warm them up or let Jack massage my poor body.

One morning I woke up, and listened to the sounds outside the house that sounded a bit muffled. How came?

I jumped out of bed, and went to the window to have a look...

I jumped back onto the bed, and shook Jack with all my force:

"JACK! It's SNOWING! Come on, wake up and have a look outside!"

Jack grumbled and tried to close his eyes again, but I didn't let him. He had to make me breakfast, so that I could go outside and play in the snow!

I showered within ten seconds, and pressed Jack to dry me in a hurry. I jumped into my clothes, and then I had to shuck my pants to turn them around because that stupid zipper appeared at the backside. Finally I was dressed more or less, and hurried downstairs.

I opened the backdoor, and looked in awe at a thick blanket of snow, while more white flakes were whirling down. I got tears in my eyes, and beautiful memories popped up in my mind about our snowy mountains, where I played in the snow wearing a badger fur coat and fox boots...

I stepped outside, and suddenly threw myself onto the ground, rolling around and around in the snow. I started to cry and laugh at the same time, marveling in the strong feeling of being HOME. I was sure I had done this many times before!

Jack appeared in the doorway, looking at the white snowman I had to be by now, and laughed:

"It looks like you are enjoying yourself! Shall we try to get you a sledge?"

"What is a 'sledge'? I've never heard of that word before."

"It's sort of a small platform on two skis, and it's fun to sit on it and let yourself glide down a snowy hill. Maybe John has one."

I raced to John's house, not even bothering about sneaking through the backyards. I pushed the bell, and waited impatiently until Eric appeared...

"What do you want? Don't you know what time it is? Go back to where you belong, and leave us alone!"

He slammed the door shut, leaving me perplexed. What had I done wrong?

Fortunately a small window opened over my head, and John's grinning face appeared:

"Wait a minute, as I have to dress first. Don't go away, and I'm coming downstairs."

Two minutes later John opened the front door, looked at me, and started to laugh:

"You're looking like a real snowman. What did you do, roll yourself around in the snow?"

"Actually I did... but do you have a sledge to let yourself glide down a snowy hill?"

Together we went to John's garage, where we rummaged around in the huge pile of litter until John triumphantly lifted three old sledges:

"Here they are! But I think we have to clean them up first..."

We cleaned the sledges, and John sandpapered the iron skis until they were perfectly smooth. We took one outside, and John beckoned me to sit on it. He took the attached piece of rope and lugged me through the snow, playing like he was a horse. It was some fun, but not too much...

John dragged the sledge and me upwards a small hill, and grinned:

"Are you ready for it?"

I nodded, and John pushed the sledge over the hilltop...

Suddenly I was in our mountains, riding my own beautiful green-and-golden small snow scooter. I rose up, and yelled at the tops of my lungs:

"YIPPPPPEEEEE..."

I tried to steer the sledge using my bodyweight, and succeeded in avoiding a lamppost, until the sledge and I bounced against a wall and turned upside down. Fortunately my snow scooter training had thoroughly taught me how to fall over without breaking any bones!

This was the real life! I brushed the snow out of my eyes, and dragged the sledge upwards to a stunned John.

"Now it's your turn."

"Wow! Are you a real natural, or did you do that before? I couldn't believe my eyes..."

"I remember driving a snow scooter and jumping over snowy hills at least three feet high into the air..."

Mark and Marrie appeared, dragging their own sledges, soon followed by Thomas and Chrissy. Now we were having contests, trying to outdo each other, and performing difficult tricks like standing upright on your sledge without using your hands.

My big bully, Jason, appeared around the corner, accompanied by a smaller boy around my age that resembled him. They looked at us for a long time but didn't say a word, and finally went away. Maybe they were too impressed by our skills, as we were really very good...

Unfortunately at the end of the day the snow started to melt, and we went home feeling tired but content; and VERY hungry.

I told Jack everything about our snowy adventures with enthusiasm, and he looked surprised:

"Do you realize that you played outside on the streets, clearly visible for everybody, without bothering about your face? Even that big bully Jason didn't pester you, because he was too impressed by your skills and your pride..."

Suddenly I realized that Jack WAS right! All the neighbors had looked at our sledge games, and nobody had laughed at my devastated face. Many people had crossed the hill, looking at us all the time, and nobody had said a word about a 'creep' or an 'alien'. Even Jason and his little brother had been silent, clearly being impressed by my skills and pride...

JACK WAS RIGHT! I HAD to be proud of myself!

That day I promised myself to do my utmost best to ignore everybody's sneering and name-calling. They couldn't harm me any more.

An important day approached: March the third, my eighth birthday! I had looked forward to my eighth year for a long time. This had to be the year when I would finally meet my new Dad! I nearly couldn't wait any longer. Who would it be, and what would he look like?

Jack and John did their best to make the day a real festivity. They decorated the house with loads of colored balloons, and invited every neighbor to congratulate me and bring me a small present. Soon the table was covered in presents, and the floor was littered with wrapping paper. I didn't know that so many people would love me and wish me all the best! I was overwhelmed, and felt loved and lucky to have so many friends.

The day ended too fast, and a very happy eight-year-old and no-longer-so-little boy went to bed and curled up in Jack's safe arms.

The next day my life resumed its own pace. Nothing had changed, except for that now my desk was decorated with even more nice things and I owned a couple of funny small computer games to play with when I was bored.

I waited for my new Dad to show up, but nothing happened. I waited for some more, and after a few weeks of waiting I felt disappointed. Did I misunderstand my ancestors? Maybe I didn't get a new Dad at all?

Finally I forgot about it, and didn't wait any more...

Winter turned into spring, and spring turned into summer. John was thirteen years old now, and started to get a little bit of fuzz on his upper lip. I teased him about having to shave soon, and he teased me back by calling me a jealous little runt. I was mad at him and punched him, and now I was glad to be a little runt and still able to duck under the bed where John couldn't reach me. Of course we didn't really mean it...

Ten minutes later we were best friends again, and went outside to look for Thomas, Mark, and Marrie to play in our backyards.

One evening I had a strange feeling, and I remembered having that same feeling in our caravan two years ago, the day before they burnt it down. A feeling as if soon something would happen that turned my life upside down again. Oh no, please, not again...

Jack was silent too, and stared into space. He looked a bit pale, and I thought maybe he had gotten the flu, or the flu got him. Now and then he shivered, and he hadn't eaten very much. I sat on his lap in silence, and could feel he was a bit clammy.

"Jack, I think you've gotten the flu. Maybe it's good for you to go to bed a bit early?"

Jack smiled faintly, and ruffled my hair:

"Thank you for being so sensible. Yes, I don't feel very well, and I think you're right. Let's go upstairs..."

We went upstairs, showered, and went to bed. I wormed myself into his safe arms, as usual, and fell asleep.

I was dreaming of being in front of many people who were listening to my wise words. I told them to be proud of themselves, and to accept all the others just as they were, without any prejudices or imposing their crazy beliefs onto them. They all nodded, and promised me to better their lives.

One of them approached me and shook my arm. I asked him what he wanted, but he went on shaking my arm... I got a bit irritated and pushed his arm away, but now he started to shake my whole body, making me even more irritated.

Again I asked him what he wanted, and he told me with a shaky voice:

"Harry, please wake up, and listen to me!"

I woke up, and squinted at the bright lights of the lamps over our bed...

I needed a few seconds to wake up completely, and now I saw Jack's pale face hovering in front of me.

Jack seemed to breathe and speak with difficulty, and gasped:

"Please, go and ask John's parents for help immediately. I don't feel too well..."

"What's the trouble with you? Do you have a fever?"
"Don't ask, just dress and go. Please hurry up!"

I was shocked by the urgency in Jack's voice, jumped out of the bed, and dressed in a hurry:

"Don't worry; I will be back as soon as possible!"

I jumped down the stairs, and raced out of the house.

The moon was faintly lighting the desolate and now scary looking street, while I hurried to John's house, five doors away. What was the problem with Jack? Why was he breathing so funny, and why was he in such a hurry? It was obvious he needed help, and fast!

I reached John's house and pushed the doorbell a couple of times, but nobody answered. Please wake up and hurry, because Jack is in trouble!

I started to pound and kick the door desperately, until finally a window over my head opened and Eric's face appeared:

"What do you want? Don't you know it's in the middle of the night? Go home and leave us alone!"

"Please, help me! Jack is in trouble, and I'm afraid he will die..."

"That's none of our business. Go back to where you belong, and call a doctor."

Suddenly Eric was pushed away forcefully, and Trudy's head appeared:
"Don't you DARE to refuse that boy our help! Just a second, Harry, I'm on my way."

Barely a minute later both Trudy and John left their house, and followed me in a hurry:

"What's with Jack? Does he have a fever?"

"I don't know. He's breathing funny, and he can hardly speak."

Our front door was closed, so we hurried to the backdoor, where I snatched the key from the nail in the bushes and opened the door:

"Hurry up; Jack needs us!"

I raced upstairs, closely followed by John and Trudy, and entered our bedroom where the lights were still on.

Jack was lying on his back, with his head on a pillow and his eyes closed. He looked peaceful and had a faint smile around his lips, as if he knew he did the right thing by sending me away in time so that I didn't have to see his agony... His last thoughts were about ME.

The room was surrealistically silent and felt totally empty. My eight-year-old brain couldn't comprehend what had happened, but my soul knew the truth: Jack was HOME, and in the place where he really belonged.

Trudy tried to wake Jack by shaking his body and slapping his face:

"Jack, wake up! We are here to help you. What's the trouble with you? Open your eyes..."

Jack didn't react, and after a while she told John and me to follow her downstairs to call a doctor.

John started to follow her, but I stopped him:

"There's no need to be in a hurry any more. Jack is in Heaven. Just look at his face... he's looking so peaceful and smiling."

"Are you sure? Yes, I think you're right. It's as if he knows he's doing the right thing..."

We went downstairs and joined Trudy, waiting for our family doctor who had promised her to come over immediately.

Trudy told us to sit down on the couch, and looked a bit quivery:

"I think Jack is very ill, and maybe the doctor will send him to a hospital for a long time."

"I know that Jack is dead and in Heaven where he belongs. There's no need to send him to a hospital, but his body has to be buried."

Trudy looked at me shocked, and slowly shook her head:

"How can you be so sure? Maybe he's only in a coma..."

"Jack isn't in a coma, but he's home; and he doesn't want to be cremated. He wants to be buried."

"How do you know? Did he tell you that?"

"Yes, I can hear his voice in my mind. He knows he is dead, and he's telling me to be brave. Everything will be all right."

The doorbell rang, and Trudy let the doctor in. We followed him upstairs, where we saw him shake his head after he examined Jack's body.

He stored away his instruments, and told us:

"Jack had a heart attack and passed away. I will sign the necessary papers to have him buried or cremated. Do you know of any relatives?"

I didn't have the faintest idea, but Trudy had heard of some far away family who probably would inherit Jack's house and belongings. She would try to track down the address and inform them of Jack's recent passing away.

"What about the little boy? Does he have an address where he can be for the time being?"

"Of course he has! Harry belongs to us, and he is in our custody. He has his own bed in our home, and we will take good care of him."

The doctor handed Trudy the necessary papers, she thanked him politely, and he went away to resume his sleep.

The moon was still faintly lighting the desolate and scary looking street, while Trudy and John took me home in the middle of the night. Eric was in the kitchen, nervously smoking a cigarette, and offered me a dead look, but he didn't say a word...

We went to bed immediately, and I crawled next to John who protectively draped his arms around my waist and held me close. We started to talk, and I told him everything I remembered about my mountains, our sightseeing vacation, our caravan on fire, my surgeries in the hospital, Margaret from see pee es who took me to a madhouse, and finally my living with Jack for around two years...

"What will happen to me now? I've already lost my Dad and my Big Friend. Who will be the next one? I hope it will be Eric..."

"I'm hoping with you! Eric isn't my father. A real father ought to love his son, but I think that Eric hates me."

"I'm sure he hates ME! Did you see how he looked at me?"

We talked until we were too exhausted and finally fell asleep. I felt I needed this talk to empty my head, and was grateful that John took the time to listen to me. He was my Very Best Friend, and I really hoped he wouldn't be the next one...

I woke up in a state of numbness, and at first didn't know where I was. This wasn't our double bed, and where was Jack? I looked around, and saw that I was in John's room and even in John's bed. Slowly my memories returned, and I remembered that Jack had passed away this night.

I left John's bed and dressed reluctantly. I went downstairs, and entered the kitchen where Trudy was doing some chores.

She looked at me with pitiful eyes, and smiled:
"Hello my little man, did you sleep well? John is already doing some shopping, and we decided to let you sleep until you woke up by yourself."

She put some buttered toast onto a plate, and quickly made me some scrambled eggs. I didn't even think about looking for herbs, and slowly munched on a piece of toast without really tasting it. Soon I pushed the plate away, thanked her politely, and went outside.

I strolled through the so well-known backyards to my house that from now on wasn't my house any more. With Jack's death I had lost everything.

I entered my backyard, and looked around. Everything was dead silent; and even the birds in our tree seemed to be sad and respectful.

I walked to my white cobblestones and looked at my abundantly flourishing herbs. What would happen to them from now on? Would the new owner or maybe owners of the house allow me to maintain my little garden?

I tried to open the backdoor, and to my surprise it opened! Nobody had closed it properly after what happened last night. I closed the door, carefully locked it, and put the spare key back onto our nail in the bushes. Nobody knew it was there, except for John, Trudy, and me.

I thought about entering the house and having a look inside, but didn't dare. It wasn't my house any more, and wouldn't that be trespassing?

Finally I sat down next to my herbs garden, supporting my head with my hands. What would happen to me now? What should I do?

I felt John's energy entering my backyard, and looked up. John looked around, saw me, and silently sat down next to me, nearly touching.

We sat down for a long time without saying a word, and that felt good. John wouldn't leave me, as my Dad and Jack had done. John would always be my friend and be there for me. I could trust him.

Finally John put his arms around me, and tenderly cradled me:

"An undertaker took Jack to the mortuary early in the morning. They are putting him into a coffin, and he will be buried within three days. Mom phoned a couple of people, and finally she found Jack's relatives. They want to clean up the house as soon as possible, and sell it to a new owner. That's why Mom is asking you to get your belongings out of the house before the contractor is throwing everything away. What do you think, shall we do it now?"

I nodded, and together we went to the house that was no longer Jack's and my house; and that would be sold to one or more strangers...

I took the spare key from the nail in the bushes, opened the backdoor as I had done so many times before, and we entered the kitchen...

The house felt strange; and even smelled differently. Yet nothing had changed, and everything was in its own place. Even Jack's filthy coffee cup was still in the sink, ready to be washed. I felt like an intruder in my own house; and silently tiptoed to the hallway, followed by John.

We went upstairs slowly, nearly expecting to see Jack's smiling face appearing from the bedroom and grinning at us. But nobody showed up, and I looked around indecisively. What should we do first?

John stepped forward confidently, and opened Jack's bedroom...

I stepped into our bedroom, where we had shared our double bed for so many months, and looked around hesitantly.

Our bed was empty, and somebody had made it up neatly. The two easy chairs were pushed aside, apparently to make more room for the stretcher that had transported Jack's body to the mortuary. The curtains were still closed, and everything felt strange and too chilly...

Where was Jack now? Would he be all alone in that mortuary? Would he miss me? I certainly missed him...

I started to sob, and the sobbing became weeping, and the weeping became crying my heart out:

"Jack... Jaaaaack... JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK..."

I cried and cried, crying out all my agony and despair. I MISSED my Big Friend, I missed him terribly!

John sat down on the floor, holding me in his arms and between his knees until finally my sobs diminished and I had totally emptied myself.

"Can I leave you for a moment now, to look for a tissue?"

"Sniff... there's a packet in... sniff... Jack's nightstand, over there."

John went to our nightstand, and returned with the same packet of tissues that Jack and I once used to dry each other's eyes. He took a tissue, and carefully dried my eyes. He let me blow my nose a couple of times, until the packet was empty.

"Shall we go home now? Then I will return here without you, to collect your belongings. Is that better?"

I nodded, feeling relieved. I couldn't do this myself without having a breakdown again...

John and I went to what was now my new home; and Trudy put me to bed to recover and have some sleep. She and John went to my old home, and soon returned carrying most of my belongings. They went away again, and with Thomas' help carried my wooden desk to John's garage.

Trudy peeked into the bedroom, and saw that I was still awake:
"You can't sleep? That's no problem, just have your rest. We got your belongings, and John has put the spare key back onto its nail."

"Thank you, and please can I call you 'Mom' from now on, now I'm going to live here with you?"

Trudy put her arms around me and slowly cradled me; and that felt good, as if I had a second Mom.

"Thank you, Mom, for letting me live with you. I hope I'm not too much of a nuisance to you."

"You will NEVER be a nuisance to any of us! Why did you think such a stupid thing?"

"Eric doesn’t like me, and I'm NOT going to call him 'Dad'! He's always picking on John and me."

Trudy shook her head, but didn't say a word...

The following days passed by in a blur, until it was time to go to Jack's funeral. We started to ready ourselves.

Eric had a dark frown on his forehead, and announced:

"I don't want the children to accompany us to that funeral. It will do them no good, and we didn't even know that man."

WHAT? Eric didn't want John and me to go to the funeral of the man that could be John's REAL father, and certainly had been MY second Dad?

"I AM going to Jack's funeral, and you can NOT stop me! Jack was a better Dad to John and me than you will EVER be in your whole life!"

Eric went red, and I saw a couple of veins bulging on his temples. He tried to say something, but I stared him down until he averted his eyes...

I could feel that my eyes were icy cold, but their glowing power nearly burnt holes in the walls. That person Eric was NOT going to stop me!

Eric didn't say a word, turned around, and left the room, this time without even slamming the door. Good boy!

We dressed into our neatest clothes, and Trudy... oops, Mom... called a taxi.

The taxi was crowded, having Mom in the front seat and John, Mark, Marrie, and me in the back. I climbed onto John's lap, and that felt better.

I had never attended a funeral, and was impressed by its sincerity and peacefulness. Jack's coffin was put onto a small platform, so that we could look at his face for the last time. He had a peaceful smile on his lips, as if he was content with this situation...

Well, I was not! I missed him, and felt abandoned. Why did he leave me all of a sudden? I NEEDED him! I was too young to be on my own!

Suddenly I felt him around me and heard his voice in my head, trying to comfort me:

"What you are looking at, is not me. It's only my dead body. The real me is here!"

For a moment I didn't know what to say, but then I sent him my thoughts:

"I don't care where you are now. I want you HERE, to help me grow up! You left me, while you knew that I needed you."

I felt him trying to tell me more, but I was angry and stubbornly blocked him out. I needed him here, and not there!

The coffin disappeared into the earth, while a minister did as if he knew Jack and told us all sorts of stupid things. Jack was now in Heaven, and sat down next to Gods Throne, while all the angels were singing...

But Jack was here, and I could clearly see and feel him... He even tried to tell me something, but I didn't listen to him because I was angry. And where were all those angels? Did that minister really believe in his own nonsense?

I saw a couple of people looking at my devastated face and whispering to each other, and felt my eyes shooting burning daggers. They had to be respectful here! They were here to honor Jack, and not to laugh at creepy aliens! I stared them down with all my force, until they colored a deep red and averted their eyes to the ground and to Jack's coffin. That felt better!

"See? I told you! Always be proud of yourself, and nobody can harm you."

Damn! I forgot to block Jack out, and I was still angry...

I had to stand still for a long time, while all the people passed by and told me I had to be brave and get over the loss. I could clearly feel that nearly nobody meant it, and most people just did what they were expected to do. What a stupid piece of make believe...

Finally we went to an expensive restaurant, where all the people were filling themselves with exotic foods and chattering along as if nothing had happened. They clearly didn't miss Jack at all, and only had some fun today...

At the end of the day I was dead tired, and jumped under the blankets without even thinking about showering. I closed my eyes and was gone, dreaming of rows of chattering and wolfing people who had the fun of their lives at Jack's fun-eral.

21. All alone, missing Jack, and a new grandpa.

Slowly my life started to be normal again, at least from the outside. Inside myself I knew that nothing would ever be normal again. I missed Jack terribly, but refused to listen to his spirit. That spirit couldn't take me into his arms! I was still angry at him for abandoning me.

Every day I sneaked through the backyards to my own herbs garden. There I sat down for hours, contemplating on my life with Jack, and how to go on without him. Now and then a couple of friends accompanied me and tried to cheer me up, but they couldn't really reach me. I listened to them patiently, but nobody could sympathize with my pain and my desperation...

Only John seemed to understand me; and many times we sat together, just the two of us, in silence. He was a wonderful friend, and I felt more and more attached to him. He was the Big Brother I so badly needed in those difficult days.

Of course John had his own needs too, and at other times he was playing with the others on the streets or in the backyards; not ignoring me, but just being a normal and energetic thirteen-year-old boy and having fun.

I had my own bed in John's room, but every night I crawled into John's bed and wormed myself into his safe arms as I used to do with Jack. John didn't mind, and many times we cuddled and softly talked until we fell asleep. I really loved my Big Brother, and I thought John loved me too.

Eric seemed to be a bit afraid of me since the funeral, and avoided me when he could or totally ignored my existence. I couldn't care less, and totally ignored him too. We would never be friends, and now at least we didn't annoy each other.

Trudy was a real Mom to me, and tried to pamper me when she could without making the others too jealous. The only thing was that I couldn't talk with her. She couldn't understand my pain and despair, and always told me that time would heal my wounds. I hoped she would be right...

Mark was a bit jealous of me, and I didn't understand why. He had everything I missed: a Dad, a good looking body, a brother, and a sister...

Marrie was sort of a small mother, always trying to look after me or help me with things. I liked her very much, and thought she liked me too.

After a couple of days I was in my backyard, sitting next to my white cobblestones and softly talking to my herbs, when suddenly a big truck stopped in front of the house. Why was that truck here? I dived into the bushes, and looked from there without being seen myself.

Three men clad in white overalls left the truck, and opened the gate. One of them went back to the truck, and competently steered it backwards into the driveway. The men seemed to have a key, opened the front door, and disappeared into the house.

I waited, being curious about what they were doing inside. Now and then I saw one of the white overalls appearing in the living room or in the kitchen, rummaging around, and disappearing again. What were they doing in my old house?

All three of them appeared outside again, went to the truck, opened it, and carried loads of folded cardboard boxes inside. Now I understood what they were doing! They had to be gathering Jack's properties inside, to take them to their truck packed in those boxes...

I was right. Soon the men returned one by one, carrying filled cardboard boxes into the truck. They were busy for a long time, until finally they carried our leather couch outside and wormed it into the truck, followed by our double bed, the refrigerator, the stove, and all our easy chairs. Everything was stowed away in their truck; that now was filled to the brim. The men closed the front door, closed the truck, and drove off without even looking back. They had done their job...

I felt empty and sad. Today those men had taken away every reminder of what had always been so precious to me...

I left my hiding place, and tried to look through the windows into the emptied rooms that now looked hollow and spooky. The only thing that was now left from my life with Jack was my herbs garden, but for how long? When would they take that away as well?

I went to the open gate, and carefully closed it. Why did those men pay so little respect to Jack's property?

I resumed my place next to my white cobblestones, and told my precious herbs what I had seen. Of course I didn't think they understood me, but it helped me to balance my thoughts and cope with my feelings.

Finally John collected me to have dinner, but I wasn't hungry:

"I don't want to see Eric's sulky face, and I don’t have any appetite. Can't you leave me here?"

"I don't think Mom will appreciate that. Come on; let's go home before Eric is throwing another tantrum."

"I'm not afraid of Eric. Maybe he's more afraid of me... but I know he's always picking on you, and I want to save you from that."

Together we walked to my new home, where we sat down at the kitchen table to have dinner. Eric didn't even look at me...

After dinner Eric left the kitchen, and I started to tell the others how three men had emptied Jack's house and put everything into their truck.

Suddenly Eric returned, snatched his cigarettes and lighter from the table, and sneered:

"I don't understand why a single man does have a house full of junk... and I surely hope the new owners will be more normal!"

Sometimes I HATED that man! Couldn't he smoke some more, and end his life a bit sooner in a coffin under the ground?

I saw John balling his fists, and kicked him under the table. Don't open your mouth, because that will only make things worse...

Fortunately John understood me and kept his mouth shut, biting his tongue.

I visited my herbs garden every day, looking at the empty house and remembering how my life was before Jack abandoned me and died. I was still mad at him, and refused to listen to his voice in my head. I didn't want to hear a stupid voice; I wanted to have a cuddle!

I was cleaning up my herbs garden, when a car I hadn't seen before drove past the house at a slow pace. The driver stopped, looked at the house, and drove on. I didn't think he had seen me, because he was too busy with looking at the front side and at the porch.

I couldn't see him clearly either, because his car reflected the sun too much. I thought I saw a beard, but wasn't sure. Could he be the new owner of Jack's house? I hoped not. A man with such a beard would surely not allow me to keep my herbs garden in his backyard...

Two minutes later the man was back. He stopped his car, and I ducked my head and dived for the bushes. What was that man doing here, looking at Jack's and my house? Did he plan to buy it? I sneaked through the bushes unseen, until I could see his car more clearly...

The car door opened and a tall man appeared, wearing a neatly trimmed grayish beard and moustache. He looked a bit like a nice grandpa, but of course it's difficult to judge a person merely from the outside... I ducked a bit further into the bushes, and waited.

Grandpa looked at the house again, and now he went to the gate. He opened it and entered the driveway, looking through the windows trying to see inside the house. He went to the front door and looked into the empty mailbox. Now he rounded the house, and stepped into the backyard...

What was he doing here? This was OUR backyard, and grandpa was clearly trespassing! Unless of course he was planning to buy Jack's house...

Grandpa walked around the backyard and looked at everything. He stood still next to my neatly cleaned herbs garden, turned around, took a step, and stumbled upon one of my white cobblestones that fell aside. He didn't even look at it... I will GET him for such an impertinency!

Finally grandpa seemed to be satisfied, looked around for the last time, and went to his car without even bothering to close the gate. Clearly he wasn't very respectful to Jack's former possessions, and I hoped he would NOT buy the house!

I waited until grandpa's car disappeared around the corner, went to the gate, and smashed it shut. I went back to my herbs garden, where I put the cobblestone upright again and politely asked my herbs to forgive me. They couldn't help it...

Again I felt Jack around, but I told him to go away and leave me alone. He listened to me and did, and now I felt even more abandoned... why had my life to be so empty? What had I done to deserve this? Why had Jack left me? Questions, even more questions, and no answers...

The next day grandpa returned, and this time he was in the company of a woman. Was he married, or maybe she was his daughter? Was she going to live here too? She looked at least twenty years younger...

The woman took a key out of her handbag and opened the front door. Together they disappeared into the house and closed the door.

They were inside the house for a long time. I could see them walking around from room to room, inspecting everything and even looking into the cupboards in the kitchen. They went upstairs, and reappeared after a while. Finally they left the house, went to their car, and drove off.

Again grandpa left our gate opened! I closed it with a bang, expressing my anger at his shortage of respect for Jack's property.

That evening I told John what I had seen, and he thought the younger woman could be a broker who tried to sell the house to grandpa. He laughed at my indignation, and told me I would probably have to leave my old backyard and my herbs garden very soon, unless grandpa would allow me to maintain it, which wasn't very likely. In my heart I knew John was right...

I told John that I could feel Jack around me many times, but I didn't want to listen to him because I was still angry for being abandoned.

John looked pensive, and put his arms around me:

"I can feel Jack around me too. He's trying to tell me something, but I can't pick up his words. I think he is very sad, because you are abandoning HIM and stubbornly refusing to listen to him. He couldn't help dying and leaving you alone... and his last thoughts were about YOU."

I started to cry, because I knew that John was right. Jack couldn't help being dead, but I felt abandoned and looked for a scapegoat...

I asked Jack in my mind to forgive me, and he was around me immediately:

"Don't be sad, my friend. We all have to learn from our experiences, and you have to learn an important lesson about being stubborn. You will soon meet your new Dad, so be happy and enjoy your life as a little boy. Your ancestors and I will be with you and guide you, but we can't take away the necessary lessons you will have to undergo. Please don't think too much, but always listen to your heart."

I was so happy to have Jack back that I started to laugh and cry at the same time. Why had I been so stubborn...

Two days later a big van showing the word 'Contractor' stopped in front of the house. A man left the van and opened the gate. The van drove into the driveway; and a couple of men left it, carrying several tools. They went into the house and started to work.

The men worked in the house for several days. They whitewashed the ceilings, painted the walls, and renewed several broken things. Finally they were done, and drove off after carefully closing the gate. Now I saw a few men who were really respecting our former property!

The next morning an enormous van appeared in front of the house. A man opened the gate; and the van entered the driveway, filling it up totally.

A couple of heavy built men jumped out, and started to carry several cardboard boxes into the house and the garage. They sat down on the porch and drank some coffee. They resumed by carrying a couch, easy chairs, a table, several folding chairs, a big bed, two dressers, a refrigerator, a stove, a computer desk, and several other items into the house. Finally they drove away, after carefully closing the gate. Good boys!

I waited until I was sure they didn't return, and left my hiding place. I sneaked to the house, and curiously peeked inside...

The living room looked strange now; holding another type of couch, another table, two differently looking easy chairs, and a computer desk. Did grandpa own a computer? Or was somebody else going to live here?

I peeked into the kitchen; and saw another type of stove, a slightly bigger refrigerator, a kitchen table, and only one single chair. Who would need only one chair? Was grandpa going to live here, or did a family buy the house and would they bring more chairs?

What would they do with my herbs garden? Were they going to use it? Or would they destroy it and throw my precious herbs away...

I hoped the new owners would allow me to keep it. But wasn't that an unreal dream? Wouldn't they start to scream, faint, and chase me away the moment they saw my devastated face? Why would they grant me something when they didn't even know me?

That night I told John everything I had seen. John thought the new owner had to be a single person, because nobody else had only one chair in his kitchen. But why did I see such a big bed, and why did he have a wagonload of folding chairs? Maybe they had several children, and set up the chairs in the kitchen the moment they needed them? John didn't know the answer, and told me to get some sleep.

I crawled into John's arms, closed my eyes, and fell asleep.

Soon I started to dream...

Jack showed up, and opened his so well known safe arms. I uttered an Indian howl, and jumped into them blindly. Finally we were reunited, and I tried to melt into him completely. He was still my Big Friend, and I still loved him with all my heart. Boy, had I missed him!

Jack cuddled me for a long time, and I marveled in the feeling of being loved that I had missed for so long. The remainder of my anger faded away, and I cried until I felt totally emptied. Now I felt a powerful love entering my inner existence, and filling me up with a new vigor.

At last Jack let go of me, and looked into my eyes:

"Your solitude is coming to an end. I want you to know that I approve of the new owner of my house. He belongs to us, and you will have your own room back. Don't be afraid and don't panic, but listen to your heart. Now go to sleep, and remember my words."

Jack faded away, and I fell into a sound and dreamless sleep.

I remembered my strange dream in the morning, but didn't believe it. How could I ever get my own room back in my old house? That was nearly impossible! And did Jack really approve of the new owner, who had to be that old grandpa? Ultimately it was only a weird dream...

Yet I DID feel better, as if a load was lifted off my shoulders, and someway Jack's death seemed to be less important. Had Jack really filled me up with his powerful love? Maybe that strange dream could even be a little bit true in some way...

I went outside, and sneaked through the backyards to Jack's former house that now was grandpa's new house. I settled myself into my secluded spot in the bushes, and waited. A neighbor cat accompanied me for a while, purring loudly and wanting to be petted, until it saw a small bird looking for worms and sneaked towards it. I stirred my bushes and the bird flew away, leaving the cat looking disappointed and me grinning.

Half an hour later grandpa's car stopped in front of the gate. Grandpa left his car, opened the gate, and drove his car into the driveway. He went back to the gate and closed it carefully. Obviously he was planning to be here for a long time, so he HAD to be the new owner of the house!

He got a key out of his pocket and opened the front door. He looked around, scanning the surroundings, and disappeared into the house, closing the door. A moment later he turned up in the kitchen, put a coffee machine onto the sideboard, and brewed himself a cup of coffee. Maybe Jack approved of him because they both had the same coffee addiction?

Grandpa took the coffee to the living room and sat down on the couch. Now I could see him a little bit better. He was surrounded by an aura of loneliness and sadness, as if he had been alone way too long...

I observed grandpa for a long time, again accompanied by my loudly purring cat. I saw grandpa carrying cardboard boxes upstairs, hanging pictures on the walls, and putting a computer and a monitor onto the wooden desk without switching it on. All the bedrooms got fresh curtains, and grandpa unpacked many boxes and put the contents away into the cupboards and wherever else they belonged.

At noon John called me from the next backyard, and I sneaked home. I helped Trudy prepare a healthy meal, drank a glass of milk, and returned to my secluded spot in the back of the backyard from where I could see everything.

John and my other friends started to play our usual game of hide and seek, but I didn't want to join them and kept looking at grandpa, who was still arranging things and opening more cardboard boxes.

At last he seemed to be a bit tired, and slowed down to a slower pace.

At two o'clock grandpa brewed himself another cup of coffee, opened the front door, took a folding chair outside, sat down onto the porch, and looked around contentedly while sipping his coffee. After a while he closed his eyes and obviously had his afternoon nap, the lazy slacker.

My friends were still playing their game of hide and seek, and now and then they looked curiously at the new inhabitant of Jack's house who had his eyes closed and clearly enjoyed the warmth of the sun...

Marrie couldn't find Mark, but finally saw him hiding behind a parked car. She cheered, and Mark stepped forward laughing out loudly. That seemed to wake grandpa up. He opened his eyes, sat a bit more upright, and looked around curiously...

He looked at the playing children, and suddenly a beautiful smile enlightened his face. At that moment I felt my heart jolting in my chest. He showed such a friendly and lovable smile; and he had a joyful twinkling in his eyes that told me he liked children...

Now he looked many years younger, and his loneliness and sadness were gone. I couldn't comprehend why I had nicknamed him 'grandpa' before. He wasn't old at all, and now he radiated so much joy and happiness... All at once I felt a longing to meet him.

I craned my neck to have a better look.

My friends had stopped their game, and looked at the stranger who had opened his eyes.

Of course Chrissy had to be the first one who started to giggle:

"Are YOU moving into Harry's house, sir?"

Immediately Mark tried to tease her, as usual:

"Of course, silly, why else would he sit here?"

They huddled together and leaned against the gate. Suddenly the gate opened with a squeaking sound, and they tumbled over each other into the driveway, looking shocked. I had to bite my tongue to prevent myself from laughing out loudly...

Grandpa laughed! He had a deep and warm-hearted laugh that told you he was a good man and wanted to be a friend.

John stepped forward, looking around and trying to find out where I was:

"Where's Harry? Does he know there's a stranger in his house?"

Thomas followed John and looked into the backyard, shrugging his shoulders:

"Don't know. Last time I saw Harry he hid himself in the backyard."

Grandpa looked into the same direction, obviously trying to find out what they were looking for:

"What are you talking about? Who is 'Harry'?"

Of course none of them saw me, because I was very good at hiding. Even John didn't see me, although he knew where I hid myself most of the time and looked straight into my direction...

Grandpa beckoned my friends over to the porch, but they hesitated and looked at each other.

Again Chrissy had to be the first one to ask a silly question, making me chuckle:

"You are not a child molester?"

Grandpa smiled, and lifted his hands in surrender:

"I promise I'm not biting, at least not today..."

He had a very warm voice, deep and resonating. A voice that made you trust him and made you feel welcomed.

Thomas seemed to have the same feeling, grinned, and climbed the porch. The others followed him, and now they all crowded around grandpa.

Grandpa smiled at them, and repeated his question:

"Who's that mysterious 'Harry' you were talking about?"

I could feel John's hesitation, not knowing whether he could trust grandpa. He had promised to keep our private things a secret...

Suddenly I felt Jack around, pushing John to tell grandpa the truth. Why did Jack do that? Why should grandpa know that I used to live here?

John looked up and straightened his shoulders, obviously deciding to trust grandpa:

"This was Jack's house, and Harry used to be here all the time. Now he is devastated, and he cries every day because he misses his big friend. Please, sir, will you try to be nice to him and not chase him away? He misses Jack a lot, and we all like him very much..."

I didn't hear the rest, because I started to cry. I didn’t know that John and my other friends really loved me that deeply!

Through my tearful eyes I saw John throwing himself onto grandpa's lap and crying his heart out, and grandpa comforted him and offered him his own handkerchief. I felt a pang of jealousy in my heart: it should have been ME who was sitting on grandpa's lap, but I didn't know why I felt so.

After some time John followed grandpa to the kitchen, and they returned carrying a kettle of tea and a tray of glasses. They all settled down onto the floor, talking to each other; but I was still sobbing and couldn't hear what they were talking about. Now and then I picked up a few words, and assumed they were still talking about my surgeries and living in Jack's house.

Suddenly grandpa rose from his chair and staggered to the house, looking pale. He wavered inside and closed the door. What had happened? Did my friends tell him about my devastated face? Was grandpa shocked, and did he tell them to go away and leave him alone?

My friends left the porch slowly and in silence, and disappeared somewhere into the neighborhood...

I tried to dry my eyes, to have a better look. Grandpa entered the living room, and forcefully kicked a chair that fell to the floor. Why was he so angry? What did my friends tell him? Was he angry because they told him about my herbs garden in his backyard?

Grandpa slumped down onto the couch, and held his head in his hands for a long time. Now and then he sighed and wiped his eyes. What was he thinking about? Did it have anything to do with me? Didn't he want to have me around, looking after my herbs? Was that the problem?

Finally grandpa rose from the couch and went outside again. He craned his neck and looked around, obviously looking for my friends. He didn't see them; and sat down onto his folding chair, now looking very sad. He closed his eyes and now and then wiped them as if he cried in silence...

I wanted to put my arms around his neck and comfort him. I wanted to tell him that I would remove my herbs garden if it made him so sad. I wanted to tell him that I would never again enter his backyard in case he didn't want to see my so devastated face...

I wanted to tell him everything about myself and my burnings, but I was too afraid he would reject me and call me a freaky alien, as too many other people had done. I stayed where I was, but forgot to hide myself properly and involuntarily went a bit closer...

Grandpa opened his eyes, and looked directly at me. I tried to make myself as invisible as I could; but grandpa saw me nevertheless. He looked again, smiled at me, winked, and waved at me...

Suddenly I was scared, panicked, and ran away as fast as my legs could move. Grandpa had WAVED at me, instead of rejecting me...

I hurried home, ran upstairs to John's room, slumped down onto my bed, and cried. My heart tried to break out of my chest, and I trembled all over. Grandpa didn't reject me, but he smiled at me and waved... He seemed to LIKE me!

I started to laugh and cry at the same time. Grandpa liked me... He didn't send me away, but wanted to contact me...

I felt a deep longing to be with him, sit on his lap as John had done, and tell him everything that had bothered me for so long. I was sure he would understand me and help me, but don't ask me why. It was as if I had been waiting for him all my life, and finally he was here...

Why was I so scared to meet him, running away like that?

John entered our room and saw me sitting on my bed with red and swollen eyes, trying to wipe them with a sleeve of my shirt.

He threw his arms around my waist, and held me close:

"Why are you crying, my little brother? What has happened?"

I wanted to tell him everything, but my throat choked up and no sound came out. John cradled me for a while, and then helped me wash my face.

Fortunately he didn't push me, and I really wanted to tell him everything:

"I want to tell you everything, but not now. Can you wait until this evening?"

"Okay, and I want to tell you a couple of things too! Come on, let's go downstairs."

Together we went downstairs to have dinner. Trudy looked at me with a questioning face, but didn't say a word. Fortunately Eric wasn't at home...

John and I showered together, dried each other, and crawled under the blankets in John's bed.

We entangled with each other as usual, and John started to whisper:

"Today I've met the new owner of Jack's house, that man you called a 'grandpa'. He seems to be a nice man, and offered us a glass of tea. He heard us talking about you, and somehow I trusted him and told him everything about your burnings and living in Jack's house."

"Yeah, I saw you and heard you talking. Why did you cry when you sat on his lap?"

"WHAT? You spied on us? You little bugger!"

"You're always telling me I'm good at spying... but why did you cry?"

"I think I trusted him. He was so fatherly. He made me feel so... safe. As if I was with Jack's older brother... and I needed the crying. You're not the only one who misses Jack and needs a grown-up in his life..."

We cuddled for a while, and now it was my turn:

"Now I want to tell you why I was crying. Grandpa saw me in the backyard and waved at me... but I panicked and ran away."

"That's stupid! Why didn't you wave back?"

"I was too scared... He hadn't seen my face, and I don't want to be called a freak again. Maybe he doesn't like little aliens... I think I will have to wait until next week, when the hospital is giving me an artifi... new nose and lips. But I don't want to go there without Jack, and I don't want to go there with Eric either! I think Eric hates me, and I don't trust him at all."

"Yeah, I know. He's my Dad, but I don't trust him either... By the way, do you know that grandpa and you are sharing your first name? Yet I don't understand why he left us and went inside all of a sudden... Maybe he was mad at us? But what did we do wrong? Why could he be mad?"

"He looked shocked... and inside the house he kicked a chair and started to cry. Later on he went outside to look for you, but you were gone."

"He was looking for us? And we thought he would be mad at us... Shall I pay him a visit tomorrow, to ask him why he left us so suddenly?"

"Do you want to do that? Thank you; you are a real Big Brother!"

I wanted to share another thing that bothered me:

"Last night I had a strange dream... Jack and I cuddled for a long time, and in my dream he told me that he approves of the new owner of his house. What do you think... am I a lunatic, because I want to believe him..."

"I'm not sure... maybe you're more of a lunatic without believing him? But let's get some sleep. Tomorrow I will visit your namesake, Big Harry."

"Okay. Thanks and goodnight!"

"Goodnight, little brother."

I woke up, and felt nervous. Today John would visit grandpa, and I was very afraid that grandpa, or 'Big Harry' as John called him, would change his mind and NOT want to meet me... and I was also afraid that he WOULD want to meet me! What if he was too shocked when he finally saw my freaky face, and didn't want to have me around or in his backyard?

I could hardly eat, and Trudy thought I could be ill and wanted to take my temperature. I refused politely, and went outside to my secluded place in grandpa's... oops, Big Harry's backyard, from where I had a good view of the porch, the living room, and the kitchen.

Ten minutes later John appeared at the front door and pushed the doorbell. Big Harry opened the door, and looked surprised.

John seemed to be nervous too, and fumbled with his clothes:

"Can I... err... may I have a talk with you, please?"

"Of course you may! I am pleased to see you, because I want to talk with you too. Please come in!"

Big Harry wanted to talk with John too? Why? Did John or one of the other children do something bad? Or did Big Harry want to talk about ME?

I saw them enter the kitchen, and Big Harry talked to John for a long time. He seemed to be rather emotional, and now and then wiped his eyes. What was he talking about? Was it about me? I hoped, and I hoped not. What if...

Suddenly John threw his arms around Big Harry's neck, and both of them started to cry. Again a pang of jealousy pained my heart, and I wished it was me who was there to comfort Big Harry, although I didn't know why. Why did I feel so attracted to that old grandpa? Why did I have the feeling that Big Harry and I BELONGED to each other?

Now John talked to Big Harry for a long time, until finally he left the house and ran into my other friends. I hurried through the backyards, burst into the house, and raced upstairs to John's and my room, where I impatiently waited for John, hoping he would show up soon...

Fifteen minutes later I heard my friends enter the house and rummage in the refrigerator. Had John been talking with them first? Why did he let me wait, knowing I was waiting for him and craving to hear more about Big Harry? Was I less important to John than I had imagined?

Finally John appeared in our bedroom, looking enthusiastic:

"Come on; Big Harry wants to meet you! Let's go to his house."

Oh no! Certainly not! First I wanted to know a lot more about Big Harry, and about what he had told John!

"What did you and Big Harry talk about? Was it about me?"

"Yes, we've talked about you and about Big Harry's own little brother for a long time. Do you want to hear that first?"

"Of course I want to hear that first! Does Big Harry really have a little brother?"

John sat down onto my bed next to me, and started to tell...

Big Harry had an eight-year-old little brother, called 'Joshie', when he was only fourteen years old himself. Joshie had done something stupid while lighting a candle, and caught his clothes and hair on fire. His face was terribly burnt, just like my own face, and his parents punished Big Harry by making him take his little brother wherever he went; and everybody called Joshie a 'freak' and an 'alien', just like they were calling me...

After a couple of months Joshie died and went to heaven, and Big Harry tried to go on with his life. He grew up, became a psychotherapist, married, had two daughters, and divorced. From then he lived on his own, until he retired and had some money to spend. Now he had bought himself Jack's house, to live here for the remainder of his life.

Big Harry was shocked to hear that everybody who didn't know me was calling me a 'freak and an 'alien'; and thought he couldn't cope again with such a burnt little boy. That's why he went inside without saying a word; because he was too emotional and didn't know what to do...

After a while he pulled himself together, and tried to contact my friends. He saw me peeking at him from the bushes in the backyard, and waved at me. Now he thought he had blown our first contact, and had asked John to tell me about his own little brother. He really wanted to meet me!

I didn't know what to do. Big Harry wanted to meet me, but did I want to meet Big Harry? I was scared...

Too many people had rejected me and made fun of me. What if I didn't resemble Big Harry's own little brother; or Big Harry didn't want to look at such a terribly burnt face again because he had too many bad memories about little Joshie? What should I do?

John took my hand, and pulled me off the bed and towards the door:

"Are you coming? Everybody is waiting for you; and they all want to visit Big Harry..."

I felt a little bit safer knowing that all my friends would be there too, nodded, and hesitantly followed John downstairs.

My friends cheered when they saw me coming; and in procession we went to Big Harry's new house, being five doors away...

22. Meeting Big Harry, going to my new home.

I was trembling all over, while we climbed my so well-known porch... Did I really want to meet Big Harry here, in the same house where Jack and I had spent so many lovable months, and where old memories lingered around every corner?

I tried to concentrate on Jack, and thought I did feel him around; but I was too nervous to be able to listen to him. Besides, even Jack couldn't help me here. I had to go through this all by myself.

John pushed the doorbell, while Marrie tried to push me forward, but I didn't want to be visible immediately and tried to hide behind the others. At last Marrie gave up, and protectively put her arms around my shoulders.

The front door opened; and Big Harry appeared in the doorway, looking surprised:

"What a pleasant surprise! Please come in, and perhaps I can offer you something to drink?"

I saw him trying to look at me, but I hid even further behind the huddle... What if Big Harry didn't want to have me in his house once he saw me?

Big Harry beckoned us in and went to the kitchen, on the way snatching a couple of folding chairs from the hallway closet. So that's where he had them, ready to be used if necessary...

One by one we followed him into my old house that was no longer my house. The house felt strange and even smelled differently. The floor had different carpeting, and the paintings on the walls looked odd and too fresh. The kitchen looked roughly the same, but held a bigger refrigerator and an enormous oblong kitchen table.

My friends seemed to feel the same and huddled together in a corner of the kitchen; while Marrie tried to push me forward again, and Big Harry was busy putting the folding chairs around the table. Six chairs from the closet, plus the one that was already there...

Big Harry got a couple of glasses from a cupboard, and beckoned us over:

"Please sit down and I will get you something to drink. What would you like: milk, hot chocolate milk, or tea?"

John seemed to feel at home already, and went to the refrigerator without asking. He got the milk, and poured himself a glass before sitting down.

Thomas joined John, and asked politely for hot chocolate milk. Big Harry nodded, took the milk, and poured some into a pan on the new stove.

Mark and Chrissy both went to the table and sat down, giggling and pushing each other as usual...

Suddenly I felt very naked, while Marrie impatiently pushed me forward to the table. What if Big Harry saw me now, and didn't like me?

Big Harry turned around, and never before had I been so scared! I tried to get away, but Marrie held me and pushed me even more.

I trembled all over and desperately looked into his eyes, trying to read them... would I see rejection, or disgust?

Big Harry looked at me, sank onto one knee, and opened his arms:

"Hi, you must be Harry? I'm pleased you are joining my friends. May I have a hug, please?"

WHAT???

I was shocked, and stared at him for a long time. Did I really hear that right? Did Big Harry ask me for a HUG? Could I trust him? Didn't he reject me? Had I found myself a new Big Friend?

I looked into his eyes, and saw only love and compassion. Why didn't he react like all the others, averting their eyes and acting shy, or acting like my devastated face didn't bother them at all? Again I looked into his eyes, this time directly into his soul, and now I knew I could trust this man. He really cared for me. He would never reject me or disrespect me. I HAD found myself a new Big Friend!

I left Marrie and slowly approached him. Big Harry didn't avert his eyes, but waited for me patiently and understandingly. He DID respect my fears, and patiently waited until I had put myself into his reach all by myself.

There I stopped; and Big Harry slowly and tenderly closed his arms around me, gently pulling me into a hug.

I sighed, closed my eyes, let myself melt into his powerful aura, and felt on cloud nine. This was what I had missed so terribly since Jack's death! I NEEDED a grown-up in my life; I just couldn't cope without...

Big Harry kissed my forehead, as Jack used to do every time. Now I was absolutely sure he was the right person. He accepted me totally! I melted into him even deeper, and marveled in the strong feeling of belonging to each other. I HAD FOUND A NEW BIG FRIEND!

I felt overwhelmed by wonderful feelings of love, togetherness, trust, and safety. I was sure I had been in those warm and powerful arms many, many times before, maybe in several of my past lives. We knew each other, just like I was sure I had known Jack in several other lives. Only Jack felt as my best friend, and this man felt as... my DAD. Was this the man I had been waiting for?

I couldn't restrain myself, tilted my head, and kissed him full on the lips, eagerly, as if I wanted to seal our friendship.

Suddenly I felt him trying to push me away, as if he was severely shocked by the kissing and didn't know what to do...

Oh my God, what had I done? He didn't accept my kiss, because he was too disgusted by my shriveled and awfully distorted lips that suddenly touched his mouth! I had blown everything by acting too eagerly...

I withdrew myself from his mouth, felt terribly, and started to cry. Immediately Big Harry rose from the ground, and carried me to the kitchen table without even looking at me. He sat down onto one of the folding chairs and took me onto his lap, turning me around to face the others so that he didn't have to look at my creepy face with those horrible scars and ugly colored marks and awfully crippled lips...

I panicked, and started to scream. I fought myself free; and fled the house, stumbling and tripping over my own feet. What had I DONE...

I ran to my house, not even bothering to sneak through the backyards, and went straight to my bedroom. I threw myself onto my bed, and cried my heart out. What had I done? I had blown everything by kissing Big Harry on the mouth. Why had I been so stupid?

I buried my face in my pillow and sobbed for a long time. This was the end of everything. I would nevermore be happy again. My life was over. From now on I would be a real Gypsy orphan, without any parents or big friends. I would live, but my inside was dead.

I cried until my friends entered the room and asked me what had happened. But why should I answer them? They would never understand my real feelings. I had lost the love of my life, the only man I felt I really belonged to...

At last they stopped trying to understand me, and left me alone with my despair.

At noon Trudy tried to force me to eat, but I wasn't hungry and the food tasted like burnt rubber. I started to throw up, and was excused.

I slumped down onto the couch in the living room and started to cry again. Why should I bother to go upstairs? Nobody would understand me. I would live here, in John's house, but be totally alone for the remainder of my life...

John tried to talk with me, but I turned my back to him and kept silent. John would never understand how I felt...

Eventually I fell asleep, dreaming horrible dreams of having no real home and being chased away everywhere.

I woke up when Eric entered the living room and sat down in his chair to smoke a cigarette. He looked at my puffy eyes, but didn't say a word. I didn't want to be in his smoky company, and went upstairs to my bedroom where I sat down on my bed and started to sob again.

John entered our room, and slumped down onto my bed next to me:

"Please tell me what happened! You can't go on like this, crying all the time. Why don't you trust me?"

That wasn't true! This had nothing to do with trust! I was only afraid that John wouldn't understand me...

"Of course I trust you, but it's so difficult to explain... I think you will never understand."

"At least you're talking to me again... I didn't know how to help you, and you went on crying and crying. Please give it a try, and tell me what happened. We are all at a loss, even Big Harry, and nobody has any idea why you ran away all of a sudden. Don't bottle it up any longer..."

What? Big Harry didn't have any idea why I ran away? That was impossible...

And "don't bottle it up", that was what Jack told me every time! Maybe John was right...

I started to tell John about my fears of being rejected once Big Harry would see my face. I told him how I was delighted when Big Harry suddenly kissed me, and how I thought I had found a new Big Friend. I told him about overflowing with love for my newly found friend, and kissing him on the lips trying to seal our friendship... But Big Harry pushed me away, being disgusted by my crippled lips suddenly touching his own lips. Big Harry took me to the table; where he turned me around, so that he didn't have to look at my so badly devastated face...

Again the disaster overwhelmed me, and I started to cry again. I had lost the best Big Friend of my life, and would never see him again.

John tried to comfort me, but I told him to go away and leave me alone. Nobody could help me any more, not even John.

I felt Jack around, but didn't listen to him. Why hadn't he helped me? I didn't need him, because he was only a stupid ghost...

Trudy entered the room, but I didn't want to see her. She would never understand how I had lost everything that had been worth living for. I wanted to be dead; but had to go to another heaven than where Jack was living now, because I was mad at him again...

I cried until I had no more tears. Then, slowly, a few words John had said returned into my mind:

"We are all at a loss, even Big Harry..."

Was this for real? Could it be that Big Harry really didn't know he had rejected me? Could everything have been my own imagination? Could it be that Big Harry didn't expect my kiss, and only was surprised? Could it be that Big Harry turned me around on his lap so that I would be able to see my other friends and take part in their conversation? It could be possible...

I left my bed, washed my face, and went downstairs to make my excuses:

"Sorry that I am such a burden and didn't want to listen to you."

Trudy looked relieved, embraced me, and went to the kitchen to make me a cup of tea. John still looked a bit rejected, but sat next to me on the couch. In silence we slurped our tea and nibbled on a pastry, while I tried to suppress my sobbing. I HAD to go on with my life...

Eric entered the room and offered me a dead look, but didn't say a word. Fortunately I succeeded in ignoring him completely.

Mark and Marrie came home, and wanted to know what had happened. I shrugged my shoulders and didn't answer, while John tried to tell them what I had told him before. They thought I had to be stupid for thinking such a crazy thing... and maybe they were right.

Trudy asked me to help her in the kitchen, and the next hour I was busy with cooking dinner. Unfortunately I couldn't enter my backyard to get some of my tasteful herbs from my garden, so we had to do without them. Again my eyes started to tear up...

I joined everybody at the table and even nibbled on a few pieces of food, but it tasted like putty and soon I had enough. Trudy didn't push me, but Eric couldn't restrain himself from making a hateful remark about a certain little boy refusing to eat that costly food. Everybody ignored him...

John and I washed the cutlery, and went to the living room where we both sat down on the couch next to Trudy. Again my loneliness overwhelmed me; and I started to sob, while Eric seemed to be more and more nervous and now smoked like a volcano.

Suddenly Trudy turned around to John:
"This has to stop. Couldn't you pay that man a visit, to ask him what really happened this morning?"

John nodded hesitantly, left the couch, and Eric looked at the clock impatiently:
"Don't make your visit too long. I want to see you back as soon as possible, because it's nearly bedtime."

John promised us to be back as soon as he could, and went to Big Harry's house...

I couldn't sit still, and slumped down onto the floor to join Mark and Marrie who were playing a silly game of cards.

Time crept, and I was more and more fidgety. What would Big Harry tell John? What if I wasn't wrong, and Big Harry was really disgusted by my lips? What if Mark and Marrie were right, and I had really done a stupid thing by running away? What if...

I forced myself to concentrate on our game of cards instead of giving myself a headache. It didn't help very much...

I thought I heard the front door open, and perked my ears. Was John back from his visit to Big Harry? I hoped so...

I heard soft voices from the hallway, and perked my ears even more. Did John meet Thomas and bring him here, at this time in the evening?

John entered the living room, and suddenly I panicked and tried to disappear into the floor: Big Harry was following John...

Big Harry entered the living room, and looked around hesitantly. He nodded at Trudy; and looked at Eric, but Eric stared into space and didn't give him any visible reaction. Now Big Harry looked at the floor, and saw me...

His eyes lit up, while he sank onto one knee and stretched his arms out towards me:

"Hi, my friend! It's nice to see you again. I wanted to return the kiss you offered me this afternoon..."

I couldn't avert my eyes, and stared into his deep brown eyes that looked at me radiating pure love. All my fears faded away, and I felt totally safe. This man cared deeply for me, and I was sure I could really trust him! Why had I been so stupid...

Now I saw something else that touched me deeply: I saw HIS fears of being rejected. He was at least as unsure as I had been...

For a moment my brain took over, and I hesitated... Why had he rejected me this morning? Wouldn't he reject me again? Could I REALLY trust him? I was sure I couldn't cope with another disappointment...

Big Harry saw my hesitation, got a pleading look on his face, and stretched his arms out even further.

Suddenly I felt very small and vulnerable. I NEEDED this man! I desperately needed him!

I mumbled: "I'm sorry"; leapt into his arms, buried my face into his chest, and started to cry.

How can I describe what I felt when Big Harry folded his strong arms around me and held me close...

I felt a wonderful combination of intense joy, a deep longing, trust, pure love, friendship, and recognition, all in one. I felt like we had missed each other for ages, and finally were reunited again...

I was absolutely sure that we knew each other. We were dear friends, kindred souls, blood brothers. We belonged to each other!

Now we both cried, but our mingled tears were tears of pure joy. We rubbed our faces together, looked into each other's eyes, grinned like crazy, and melted together. Again we looked into each other's eyes, nearly drowning in each other's warmth and love.

Big Harry touched my distorted lips with his; and I kissed him back, eagerly and without fear. We started to give each other small pecks on the lips, and it felt wonderful, like coming home, like renewing our friendship. I had found my soul mate!

After a long time Big Harry put me down and draped his arm around my shoulders. I melted into him and felt totally safe, like father and son.

Together we approached Trudy, and Big Harry tried to apologize:

"Sorry for invading your house like this, but I thought it was the best thing I could do to help our friend."

He ruffled my hair, and I felt totally in love with my man. I tried to melt into him even further...

Suddenly Eric got one of his brilliant ideas, and looked at the clock:

"Boys, girl, time to go to bed! Come on, upstairs, all of you! NOW!"

Oh no, certainly not! I didn't want to sleep here tonight. I wanted to go to Big Harry's house and sleep there! Now that I had found my new Big Friend, I didn't want to be separated again. We belonged to each other, and we needed each other!

I looked at Big Harry, trying to use my best pleading eyes:

"Please, will you take me with you tonight?"

"Yes, Dad," John interrupted immediately,

"That's a good idea! Then I will have my own room back."

He looked at Big Harry hesitantly, and Big Harry winked at him. They understood each other quite well without words...

Eric didn't see our unspoken conversation, and answered impatiently:

"Well... I am not sure. I want to have a talk with this man first, and then we will see."

"Will you wake me up when you go home?" I asked him again, just to be sure...

"Yes, I promise!" Big Harry answered, and I could hear his love in his voice.

I clambered upstairs, slowly and reluctantly, following the other children and longing to be with my new Big Friend. I looked at him until I couldn't see him any more; and all the time he stared back longingly at me too.

John and I waited until Mark and Marrie finished showering. We sat on John's bed, and talked about Big Harry and what had happened.

"You do know that I didn't really mean it, when I told Eric I wanted to have my own room back?"

"Of course; and I saw Big Harry winking at you, so he understood you wanted to help us."

Finally John and I showered together, and then I decided to sleep in my own bed. I didn't want to disturb John when Big Harry woke me up...

Soon I was sound asleep, dreaming of a beautiful new friendship full of joy and happiness.

"Harry... here I am... I promised to wake you up..."

Somebody caressed my face, and tried to wake me up without disturbing me too much. I yawned, and squinted at the vague and misty beard that hovered over me and slowly became sharper. Big Harry had kept his promise; and now he smiled at me, looking a bit unsure.

I threw my arms around his neck; and he lifted me onto his lap, this time turning me around so that he could see my face.

Did he wake me up because he wanted to take me home? I hoped so...

"Am I going to live with you now?"

"That's up to you. If you wish?"

IF I wished? How could he ask such a stupid thing... Of course I wished to live with him, hopefully for the rest of my life!

I jumped off his lap, and enthusiastically started to dress:

"Of course, silly!"

Big Harry looked at my naked body with the nasty wild flesh and all those ugly scars, but I didn't see any rejection in his eyes. The only things I could feel were love and acceptance. He took my clothes, and helped me with the dressing as if he was my Dad... and I loved it!

I felt the need to tell him everything, so I talked. I told him how my scars always started to itch in bed, and Jack used to massage them with soothing oil from the hospital, but John didn't know where the bottle was. I preferred to sleep naked, and had to wear underwear that was two sizes too big because of the itching. I told him I hated sleeping alone, and always crept into Jack's and, since two months ago, into John's bed. Only this night I knew he would take me home, so I slept in my own bed so as not to disturb John. I told him my belongings were stowed away since I had to share John's room, but now I wanted to have my own room back in Jack's house... oops, in HIS house.

Big Harry grinned, ruffled my hair, and kissed my forehead:

"What if we are calling it OUR house from now on? Do you have a lot of belongings?"

"I do have a bunch of clothes, because Jack always bought them for me; and a couple of school books, because Jack tutored me every day for a couple of hours. Oh yeah, and I do have a wooden desk, but that's stored in the garage."

"What do you think; will I be able to tutor you from now on?"
"I don't know... Jack had sort of a 'degree', because he had studied to be a teacher when he was young. Do you have a 'degree' too?"

"No, I don't have a degree in tutoring. But I've studied to be a psychotherapist, so I think I will be able to help you at least with the basics."

"It was fun to be in Jack's one-pupil classroom, with everlasting detention."

I loved his deep and booming laugh, while his deep brown eyes started to show little fun lights. He threw his arms around my waist and cuddled me; and for the first time in two months I was a happy boy, feeling loved and safe.

I started to ask him a couple of questions, and he answered them patiently:

He had been married, but divorced a couple of years ago. His wife lived in another town, and he had two grown-up daughters living on their own. He didn't have any grandchildren, and missed them. He had no plans to remarry, but one could never know. He had been working with problem children as a living, but since a few months ago he was retired. He had put away some money, and could easily maintain his new house and a car from it. He didn't have any plans for the future, except for helping me to grow up...

Finally my curiosity was satisfied, and Big Harry lifted me onto his shoulders. I clamped my hands around the top of his head, and told him he was my horse now. Promptly he started to tickle me, and I tried to tickle him back. Giggling we descended the stairs and entered the living room.

Trudy looked at us with a sad face, and Eric seemed to have left the room. Big Harry lifted me from his shoulders, and put me down.

I went to Trudy to tell her that from now on I was living with Big Harry, and she embraced me tenderly:

"I think you are a very lucky boy!"

"Yes, I certainly am!"

We thanked her for everything; and together we left my old house, promising Trudy to be back the next morning to get my belongings.

Big Harry lifted me onto his shoulders, and together we went to his house. Oops, sorry, we went to OUR house...